Adamantium Bullet

Adamantium Women #43: Elsa Pataky


Funny thing happened this weekend as I was watching FAST FIVE, I found myself completely transfixed by the little lady playing The Rock’s interpreter. Gal was quietly crafting a real character right in the middle of a f**king FAST AND THE FURIOUS pic. Impressive. Thing was, I couldn’t remember where I’d seen her before. The name “Elsa Pataky” didn’t ring any bells and I spent a good portion of the movie racking my brain trying to figure out where I'd seen her before.

Incidentally, this kind of memory loss happens to me quite a bit. I see an actor or actress that I can’t quite recall where I saw them before and I go crazy trying to figure out where I know them from. The answer usually triggers in the middle of the night, while I’m half-asleep. I’ll spring straight up in bed and yell out “SNEAKERS! You know, the one that Mary McDonnell had to record in order to get the password! Stephen Tobolowsky!!”. This is usually followed by AngieBee slapping me upside the head which results in me going to sleep realizing that I’m a dumbass.

Anyways, I opted out of the “middle of the night revelation” thing and instead went straight to IMDB once the movie was over. And guess what? It didn’t help. I still don’t know where I recognize Pataky from. Oh sure, I’ve seen a couple of films on her resume, but the majority of her stuff is foreign-made pics that I’ve never seen. A quick glance reveals that she’s been romantically linked to Adrien Brody and that she is currently married to Chris Hemsworth (THOR) but I’m pretty sure that isn’t where I know her from. The Google search simply turned up hundreds (if not thousands) of skintastic pics of Pataki (a good many of which I am about to share), but that still isn’t where I know her from.

Probably going to go crazy trying to remember what film I remember her from, but oh well. Can’t really do anything about it now except for drop a few comments on some of her previous work and suggest that you check out FAST FIVE. Pataky, aside from being drop-dead sexy, is easily the best thing in the film outside of the vehicular mayhem.


FAST FIVE - This is Elsa’s big Hollywood moment. There have been a few little US films here and there, but this will really be the one that puts her on the map here. Funny sidenote, Elsa is a big star already everywhere else in the world. Gal has been working steadily since 1997 and has racked up over 34 film credits and she’s starred in three television series. One look at her reveals the real reason that she’s so popular: Pataky is a unique beauty in a sea of plastic Barbie dolls.

SNAKES ON A PLANE - Yeah, yeah, I know. Putting SNAKES ON A PLANE in any actor’s CAREER HIGHLIGHTS list is an immediate reveal that I love junk cinema and should not be taken seriously as a critic. You know what? I don’t care. Loved this flick, loved Sam Jackson in it and…I don’t really remember Pataky in it. She might have been the chick with the baby that sucks the venom out of the kid using olive oil, but I’m not positive.

GIVE ‘EM HELL, MALONE - Theoretically, I should probably drop MALONE down into the YOU MIGHT HAVE MISSED HER IN category because I don’t know of anybody who actually saw this picture. However, I’m not because this is one bad-ass action epic that needs to be recognized. Thomas Jane is at the top of his game here, Pataky is pitch-perfect as his femme fatale and Russell Mulcahy imbues this flick with so much style that one has to wonder why he flounders so badly when actually given a budget (I’m looking at you, RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION). If you’re a fan of action movies, then you owe it to yourself to check out MALONE immediately. It’s noir meets Cannon sprinkled with a healthy dose of SIN CITY. In other words, MALONE is f**king awesome.

BEYOND RE-ANIMATOR - Not the best of the series (the original still owns) and not the worst (BRIDE OF RE-ANIMATOR is ten bags of awful), BEYOND is simply an excuse to let Jeffrey Combs run wild and do his mad scientist schtick. Taken as that, it works. Taken as a grand excuse to see Pataky get freaky sexy, it works. Taken as anything else, BEYOND kinda sucks. I liked it, but most should proceed at their own risk.


SNAKES ON A PLANE - Hey look, I’m cheating! Listen, I haven’t seen 90% of Pataky’s filmography and I can’t really list the 30+ films that she’s been in that I haven’t seen but actually made money. What does that leave me with? Recycling films that I’ve already listed in other categories. Like I mentioned before, I doubt anybody remembers Pataky in SNAKES because most people just remember Sam Jackson and snakes. Perfect candidate for this category, if you ask me.


GIALLO - F*ck me sideways did this movie suck. Easily the worst film of director Dario Argento and star Adrien Brody (Brody actually delivers twice the sucktitude by playing both the heroic cop and the literally-yellow killer) careers, GIALLO is so inept that…well, words cannot describe the level of ineptitude here. Just know that this is an awful, awful movie and that Pataky is pretty bad in it. Not as bad as Brody (who was dating her at the time of filming) and nowhere near as bad as headline Emmanuelle Seigner, but still bad. Everything about this flick is bad. No wonder Brody (who actually produced it) tried to prevent it from being released.


FAST FIVE - Chances are pretty good that you already know that this is in theaters. Chances are even better that you probably went and saw it. After all, FIVE made nearly 84mil at the box office during its first weekend. That’s a lot of money which meant that a lot of people went and saw this. Considering Pataky is acting her little heart out in it, let’s hope that it leads to more Hollywood-based work.

Posted by J. Bryant

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