From The Vault: A Minute-By-Minute Breakdown Of The Entire FRIDAY THE 13th Film Franchise

This is a reprint of an article from last October’s 31 DAYS OF HORROR:

Anniversaries are a tricky thing. Go too big and you run the risk of making future celebrations seem small by comparison. Go too small and people wonder why the hell you didn't go bigger. What to do? What to do? Go big? Go small? Go somewhere in the middle and disappoint everyone? What the hell is a fanboy to do?

That was the conundrum that I encountered when debating on what I should do for the third anniversary of the 31 DAYS OF HORROR column. First year of the column, I reviewed every film in the HALLOWEEN franchise (including the alternate versions) and the response was pretty positive. Readers seemed to dig the idea of me tearing into the franchise and dissecting Michael Myers.

Second year, I did nothing. I had plans to maybe review all the films in the HOUSE franchise. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a copy of HOUSE IV and had to quit after the first two installments. Then I thought about reviewing all the HELLRAISER pics ...before remembering every sequel past HELL ON EARTH sucks.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN was briefly debated before also being discarded due to inferior sequels. Then I did nothing. Reviewed 31 movies and called it a day. Basically didn't celebrate my second anniversary. I kinda feel bad about that.

So, when this year rolled around, I knew I had to do something special. Knew something grand was in order that I would actually enjoy doing and hopefully my readers would enjoy checking out. But I also knew that I didn't want to cheat. Whatever I was going to do had to be something truly outlandish and almost a penance for me not having done something special last year. Whatever this was going to be needed to be EPIC.

Then it hit me: FRIDAY THE 13th. One of my favorite horror franchises. One that I actually own. And one I could watch in a massive back-to-back-to-back marathon. Insane? Yes. Might it result in me wanting to go outside and slaughter innocent puppies with a chainsaw? Possibly. Would it be appropriately EPIC and a grand way to celebrate an anniversary? Definitely.

Fueled by Irish coffee and cookies, AngieBee and I watched every Friday flick in chronological order (including the recent reboot) between October 9th and 10th. Made random (sometimes a little too random) notes as the films played out and kept count of every single kill, car that won't start, awful joke, ignorant authority figure, illegal substance consumed, pre-marital sex scene and bad performance. Oh and we broke it all down on nearly a minute-by-minute basis for a little extra dose of insanity.

And being that we ended up with over sixty pages (!) worth of material to edit down and no way I could possibly post it as a single story, I've busted the whole thing down into six installments featuring some screencaps (mostly NSFW stuff), a plot synopsis (courtesy of Rotten Tomatoes), tons of random commentary, some trivia (some of which was provided by IMDB) and a mini-verdict for each film. Enjoy!

THE PLOT

Entrepreneur Steve Christie re-opens Camp Crystal Lake after many years during which it has been cursed by murders and bad luck. The young and nubile counselors all begin to die extremely bloody deaths at the hands of an unseen killer during a rainstorm which isolates the camp.

THE RUNDOWN

Be sure to note that the following nearly minute-by-minute breakdown was time-coded to the recent “uncut” DVD edition of FRIDAY THE 13th.

00:53 Camp Crystal Lake. 1956 or 58. Forgot this flick kicked off with a flashback. The movie was filmed at Camp Nobebosco in New Jersey. The camp is still in operation to date, and they have a wall of Friday the 13th paraphernalia to honor the fact that the movie was set there.

01:16 First POV stalk shot.

02:30 Two camp counselors giving each other a “Do me” vibe just unknowingly signed their own death certificates. Don’t they know not to even think about sex in these flicks? That’s a one way ticket to the grave!

03:50 First use of the “ki-ki-ki-ma-ma-ma” sound. Still gives shivers. Composer Harry Manfredini created the sound by shortening the “Kill her, Mommy!” line used by Mama Voorhees in the final reel. The "Ki" is short of Kill, and the "Ma" is short for Mommy.

04:35 Boy counselor (identified as “Barry” in the credits) is knifed, minor splash of blood. Nothing special. Mostly done off-screen.

05:06 Girl counselor (“Claudette”) suffers “death by freeze frame”. There is rumored to be a deleted scene featuring the murder of Claudette. The crew of the film dismissed this, including Tom Savini, who said he never even worked on the opening scene. There is, however, a still of Claudette with a machete in her throat, although that may have been shot purely for promotional material.

05:20 The classic FRIDAY logo explodes (?) through a plane of glass (?) and were off to the races.

06:00 Flash forward to 1980 and sweet Annie who seems to being set up as the “Final Girl”. There’s no way anyone this sweet is going to die first, right? RIGHT?

08:06 Suspicious townsfolk!

08:54 First appearance of Crazy Ralph!

09:45 Nice guy truck driver Enos seems to be giving Annie the “Do you follow the unwritten book of the road?” look.

10:40 Why didn’t Enos just drop Annie off at the camp?

12:30 Early appearance Kevin Bacon (looking older here than he did in FOOTLOOSE which was filmed three years later) accompanied by wacky folk music!

13:50 Camp owner Steve (Peter Brouwer) is, I kid you not, rocking a pornstashe, red socks, tan hiking boots, a red scarf and cut-off shorts. Oh and he’s shirtless …so there’s a little skin for the ladies. Dude is either color blind or gay. Not sure which.

15:30 Steve’s giving Alice (Adrienne King) the “Do me” look! Guess that rules out him being gay.

16:07 Some vague hints at Alice’s tortured past back in California which will be abandoned almost immediately.

18:30 Some not-so-subtle foreshadowing and a bad Humphrey Bogart impersonation.

22:22 Annie’s throat is slit. Easily the longest and most disturbing kill of the first film. Annie was such a sweetie and she didn’t even break any of “The Rules” (she didn‘t drink, use drugs or have sex). Gal was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

22:42 Bikinis and speedos! All six guys and gals are present (save for Steve who has went into town in order to provide the film with a red herring). Another POV shot. Seems Mama Voorhees (the actual killer) likes spying on nubile young men and women as they frolic lakeside.

25:44 Snakeeeee!!!!

26:57 The aforementioned snake is hacked to death with machete by Ned (Mark Nelson) following some seriously random chaos from the other counselors. Was it really necessary to kick over virtually every piece of furniture in the room?

26:58 The scene with the snake was not in the script and was an idea from FX guru Tom Savini after an experience in his own cabin during filming. The snake in the scene was real, including its on-screen death.

28:11 Love the random appearance by the cop. Dude pops up, drops some tough guys lines like “Sit on it, Tonto” and “Can it, Cochise” to the counselors and then leaves. You’d have thought maybe he was a future victim or something, but no. He exists only to exist.

30:11 Ralph‘s back, spouting death curse nonsense. How exactly did he lock himself in the pantry?

30:56 Gotta love the late 70s: big hair, natural boobs and not a bra in sight.

34:00 First actual appearance of the killer standing outside a darkened cabin. Ned spots her and decides to investigate. Dumbass.

37:06 First FRIDAY sex scene. Marcie (Jeannine Taylor) and Kevin Bacon (character names need not apply when referencing to the Bacon) get down. Full nudity from both.

38:51 The other three counselors (Alice, Bill and Brenda) decide to play a little “Strip Monopoly”. Geez, if the “sex equals death” equation is true for this franchise then everybody is going to die.

40:13 Ned’s dead. Throat slashed. Told you he was a dumbass.

42:31 Bacon smokes up.

42:35 Bacon gets an arrow through the neck.

44:57 Marcie admires herself in the mirror and does an okay Bette Davis impersonation. Never noticed all the impersonations before.

45:00 With it pouring rain and cold as hell outside, Marcie doesn’t find time to put her pants on. Thank you.

46:48 Marcie investigates a strange sound and decides it was “only the wind”.

46:50 Marcie was wrong and gets an axe to the face for her mistake.

47:42 Brenda closes the windows to her cabin wearing only her underwear and a rain slicker. I’m so glad that women in the late 70s had such an aversion to wearing pants. Wish this was a trend that would swing back around.

48:36 Random scene with Steve eating at a diner that exists to eliminate the potential of him being the killer. Director Cunningham really should’ve cut this bit. Left the reveal of Steve being a non-threat till later.

53:18 Mama Voorhees is probably going to catch a cold standing outside in the rain while window stalking Brenda.

54:16 Brenda puts on some decidedly non-sexy pajamas for somebody who has spent 90% of the movie in a bikini and her underwear.

54:50 Weird “help me” cries courtesy of Mama Voorhees. I don’t remember this moment at all.

57:02 Brenda makes her way to the archery range and is killed off-screen. Why foreshadow this kill at the 18:30 mark and then not show it? That’s some poor filmmaking.

59:12 An axe in the bed? Strange for Mama Voorhees to leave that there. Is she just toying with Alice and Bill?

59:47 Hate to say this, but Adrienne King isn’t a very good actress. She’s on at moments, off at others and completely awful a couple of times. She’s definitely no Jaime Lee Curtis. Did you know that Sally Field auditioned for the role of Alice Hardy?

61:45 So much rain. This is very moist film.

64:05 Red herring Steve makes it back to camp just in time to take a knife to the chest.

68:00 Bill is killed off-screen.

70:00 Why yes, that was two minutes devoted to Alice making a pot of coffee. So exciting.

71:00 Alice finds Bill‘s body. Throat slit, pinned to door with four arrows. Ouch.

73:00 That door opens out, Alice. Stacking furniture in front from the inside is pointless.

74:24 Brenda’s corpse thrown through the window. Not sure how she died (she‘s just bloody and tied up with some rope) or why Alice isn’t running because whoever threw that corpse is probably standing right outside the window.

75:36 First full appearance of Mama Voorhees. Yay for Betsy Palmer! Character/Killer reveal is a bit of a cheat since we’ve not met or even heard of her up until this point.

76:00 Betsy Palmer said that if it were not for the fact that she was in desperate need of a new car, she would never have taken the part of Pamela Voorhees. In fact, after she read the script she called the film "a piece of shit".

78:00 First technical appearance of Jason. Might just be a flashback in the mind of a psycho but I’ve got to keep count of all the first appearances, kills and naked bits.

78:54 Cue batshit crazy Palmer. The “Kill her, Mommy” line appears. The PSYCHO violins kick in hardcore. Is it just me or does Palmer look a bit like a middle-aged housewife from hell?

79:16 Annie and Steve’s corpses are discovered by Alice..

80:00 Jesus, what’s with all the rifles? Is Steve planning a revolution or something? Thought they said that the camp was going to be for inner city kids. I don’t know about you but the last thing I’d give a kid from the city is a f**king rifle.

81:54 Palmer is pimp-slapping Alice something fierce.

84:47 I’ve always dug this shot with Alice in the food closet and the light streaming through the cracks of the door. Something very creepy about it.

87:00 Why isn’t Alice leaving the camp???? Get in the car and drive away!

87:02 Should we really be shocked that Mama Voorhees is still alive?

88:20 Mama Voorhees is decapitated by Alice and production assistant Taso N. Stavrakis’s hands make a cameo appearance. Cue the calm music.

89:00 Is paddling a canoe into the middle of the lake really a good idea? Wouldn’t the smart move be to…oh, I don’t know…leave? You know, call the cops and tell them that all your friends were murdered by some crazy bitch with an ugly sweater. That’s what I’d do.

90:00 Hey, why are the cops here? Who called them?

90:47 Jason drags Alice into the lake and brings the fake-out ending to an abrupt close.

92:43 Pointless scene at the hospital with Alice and the Sheriff that exists only to make the audience wonder if the fake-out ending was real or not. Cue the unnecessary sequel!

THE VERDICT

I gotta admit that I’m shocked the original FRIDAY THE 13th still works after all these years. One would’ve assumed that Sean Cunningham’s pedestrian direction (the flick is almost documentary at points and the dude hasn‘t the slightest clue how to properly stage a death scene), the big-ass cheat reveal of the killer (Seriously, nobody ever mentions Mama Voorhees before she shows up in the finale) and the lackluster acting from almost everyone (Bacon is kinda okay) involved would’ve made this a painful watch …but it wasn’t. Dug this one as much as I used to and still rank it as one of the better FRIDAY flicks. Five out of six hockey masks.

THE PLOT

Two months after the events of the original Friday the 13th, Alice (Adrienne King), the lone survivor or Mrs. Voorhees' killing spree, meets a grisly end in her city apartment. Five years later, a new group of co-eds converges near Camp Crystal Lake, scene of the original massacre and the drowning of Jason Voorhees that preceded it.

This time around, the horny collegians attend a nearby training school for camp counselors. As half the group parties in town, an unseen assailant picks off the other half one by one. Only when camp leader Paul (John Furey) and his girlfriend, Ginny (Amy Steel), return to camp do they uncover the identity of their stalker -- none other than Jason (Warrington Gillette) himself, alive but grotesquely deformed as a result of his childhood drowning. The young couple's only hope to defeat the fiend lies in psych major Ginny's insights in Jason's mental state.

THE RUNDOWN

00:17 Love that stark “A Steve Miner Film” credit.

00:44 What’s that kid doing out so late?

01:00 First appearance of grown-up Jason. It’s always bugged me that Jason is supposed to be this hulking mongoloid living in a shack in the woods yet he’s got nice shoes and clothes.

01:05 Also of note is the shot of Jason's legs walking across the street toward Alice's house: This is the only time in the series Jason was played by a woman. Jason's legs belonged to Ellen Lutter, the film's costume designer.

01:42 Alice returns and the film kicks into a five minute recap of the events of the last film. Yay for recycled footage!

06:42 Flashback footage ends and Alice sorta mulls around the house for a bit. I wonder where this scene is taking place. Alice mentioned something about living in California in the first movie. Does that mean she went back and Jason traveled all the way there from Jersey? Or does she live near Crystal Lake now? Either way, Jason had to travel there by foot.

09:15 Jason just called the house and hung up. WTF? Where’d he place the call from?

11:15 Jumping cat fake-out scare! Yay for overused clichés!

11:48 Alice gets an ice pick to the brain after discovering Mama Voorhees’s decapitated head in her icebox. Jason is kind enough to take the kettle off the boil.

11:47 Clocking in at nearly 15 minutes in some versions, FRIDAY THE 13th PART II has one of the longest pre-credit sequences in cinematic history.

12:12 Exploding opening title sequence. Classy.

13:13 Flash forward five years later …even though it clearly looks like 1980 and not 1984 (the original was set in 1979).

14:21 Crazy Ralph is back! Dude apparently owns only one set of clothes and menaces every teenager he runs across with his “You’re all doomed” schtick.

18:34 Sandra (Marta Kober) notes that the woods are spooky and then promptly wanders into them for no apparent reason.

19:48 First T&A of this flick. Thank you Terry (Kirsten Baker) for your lack of a bra, short-shorts showing off near-obscene amounts of cameltoe and the copious amounts of mini-cleavage.

20:25 Flick takes place at a camp counselor training center, not at the actual Camp Crystal Lake. I don‘t think I‘ve ever caught that. Or maybe I did and was just sidetracked by the girls.

23:48 Ginny’s car won’t start. What a shock. This is FRIDAY THE 13th movie. Cars never start on the first try and if they do they run out of gas within moments.

24:35 Paul tells the legend of Jason while chatting up the counselors around the campfire. Perfect. Easily my favorite scene in the movie. Establishes a nice ghost story mood that is almost immediately squandered in favor of slasher sequel silliness.

29:40 Amy Steel shows off a little skin. Shocking considering she’s the “Final Girl” of this picture.

31:48 Jason garrotes Crazy Ralph with some barb wire. How exactly did Jason’s arms go over the top of the tree like that?

35:00 Sandra is very bouncy. Yeah, I said it. I’m a guy. What the hell else am I supposed to be looking at? Travolta faced Jeff and his twee little painter’s cap? Dude’s not my type.

37:00 Jason gutted the Muffy, Terry’s little pooch, off-screen.

38:00 This cop is being a real bitch about a couple of kids trespassing. I’d hate to see how he reacts to a real crime. Probably shoots first and asks questions later.

41:11 First appearance of Jason’s crazy hobo shack.

41:31 First instance of some dumbass entering Jason’s crazy hobo shack.

42:45 Jason crunches the Cop’s brain with a hammer to the back of the head. Ouch. Flipside of this moment is when the dumb cop in HALLOWEEN II gets a hammer to the face from Michael Myers. Lot of hammer deaths in the slasher sequels of 1981.

43:51 Wheelchair kid Mark (Tom McBride) reminds me a little of Billy Crudup from WATCHMEN. Thank the movie gods there’s no giant blue wang dangling around in this flick.

46:00 Terry gets naked for a little midnight skinny-dip. Yay for full nudity in old-school slasher pics! Gotta appreciate a movie that actually delivers what the fans want from it. Mysterious killer? Check. Attractive victims? Check. Frequent gruesome kills? Check. Gratuitous nudity? CHECK.

49:49 Nice “chuck the towel directly into the camera” shot.

50:33 Scott’s throat is slit while dangling upside down from one of Jason’s traps.

50:35 Terry is killed off-screen.

51:36 Ginny seems smarter than the average counselor. Actually attempts to figure out Jason using that psychology degree she earned at community college. Pegs Jason pretty good and even manages to use her two cent evaluation to beat him in the finale. Impressive.

55:34 Some nice character development for wheelchair-bound Mark. Accident took his legs, he’s got faith, believes he won’t be in the chair forever. Nice bit of business before he meets his maker.

57:24 Vickie strips down. No actual nudity, but close. Lot of stripping clothes off and on going on in this picture. Not complaining, just noticing.

59:23 What is with women wandering around the camp in their underwear in these movies? No complaints here, but it does seem a little strange.

61:03 Mark gets a machete to the face.

62:41 Jason double-impales Jeff and Sandra with a spear mid-coitus. Genre fans will note that this moment is a direct lift from the Mario Bava horror classic BAY OF BLOOD (aka TWITCH OF THE DEATH NERVE).

65:00 First appearance of Sackboy Jason! I’m sure the burlap sack over the head was meant to be a visual reference to the killer from THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN.

65:30 Vickie is stabbed in …well, I’m not sure. Knife goes out of frame, blood spurts out of her mouth and she dies. Feels like the MPAA snipped this a little too much. 48 seconds were cut from the film in order to avoid an X rating.

66:50 “These kids smoke better dope than I do”. Great line.

67:60 Always dug this bit where Jason is hiding in the dark. Later Jason movies had him more out in the open and not really hiding. It’s pretty scary to think that Sackboy Jason is just lurking in the shadows waiting to decimate you.

69:00 Great EVIL DEAD-esque POV shot.

71:00 Ginny is definitely smarter than the average “Final Girl“. She Fights back, takes a few potshots at Jason, attempts to escape in multiple cars, hides when she has the chance, stays silent instead of screaming. In other words, she’s either going to live or die very shortly.

72:59 The image of Sackboy Jason chasing down Ginny with a pitchfork is pretty f**king scary.

75:13 I forget that we‘re in human Jason era and not post-JASON LIVES one where he was an unstoppable beast. This version of Jason is very human, very clumsy and actually makes mistakes.

75:57 Nice that Ginny f**king PWNS Jason with a chainsaw. Not so nice is that she throws it down almost immediately without finishing him off.

77:00 Cue Ginny entering Jason’s hobo shack and the big reveal of Jason’s shrine to his mommy. Yes, that’s her decapitated head surrounded by the bodies of all Ginny’s dead friends. Creepy.

77:50 Is it weird that I keep flashing back to the FRIDAY THE 13th game for the NES every time I see Mama Voorhees’s head? I worry it’s going to spring to life and start floating around.

77:56 Betsy Palmer makes a cameo appearance as Mama Voorhees. Guess she needed to buy another car or pay some bills.

78:00 Ginny tricks Jason into thinking that she’s his mother by wearing Mama Voorhees’s nasty old sweater. Seems those four years of college finally paid off, Ginny. Good on you.

80:04 Jason gets a machete to the neck and is down …for now.

83:46 Jason’s back! Well, not really … it’s just another fake-out dream ending. Paul’s missing though. Wonder what happened to him.

83:50 The final shot is a close-up of Mama Voorhees’s head, ending in a freeze frame before the credits roll. Originally this shot ended with her opening her eyes and smiling, but at the last minute Steve Miner decided this effect was hokey and cheapened the movie's impact.

THE VERDICT

FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2 has always been a bit of an odd installment for me. Probably has something to do with Jason not really looking or acting like the Jason we all know and fear. The burlap sack is scary but just doesn’t seem right. The hockey mask is right. That’s what works. There’s a reason that every installment after the next one kept it.

Another beef I have is that the movie sets up just over twenty counselors to suffer Jason’s wrath and then shuffles fifteen of them off to a local bar never to be referenced to again. Talk about teasing the audience. Why introduce them in the first place if they weren’t going to be part of the actual plot? Oh well.

Acting got better with this one. Amy Steel is a likable, and smart, heroine and the victims all have their little moments. The strange impersonations from the first film were replaced with corny jokes in this one. The kills are a little more graphic and most of them actually take place on-screen which is always a plus. And, despite my not liking the burlap sack, Sackboy Jason is still pretty scary. Four of out of six hockey masks.

THE PLOT

Immediately after his mysterious escape at the end of FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2, Jason Voorhees (Richard Brooker, the third of many actors to fill the role) kills a hardscrabble store owner and his nagging wife before heading back to Crystal Lake, this time to terrify rich girl Chris (Dana Kimmell) and her band of summer-cottage guests.

Chris, it seems, is haunted by an earlier encounter with Jason, and her romantic entanglements with local boy Rick (Paul Kratka) do little to ease her nightmares. Meanwhile, the gruesome antics of Shelly (Larry Zerner), a chubby practical joker who just wants to be loved (and get laid), leads to an escalating case of the boy who cried wolf. When he's not incurring the wrath of leather-clad motorcyclists, he's annoying the other guests with his mock mutilations. Soon, stage blood turns to real as guests and bikers alike fall prey to the killer lurking in the barn out back.

THE RUNDOWN

00:29 Cute warning at the beginning stating that the first five minutes of the film are not in 3-D. This is followed immediately by the franchise rule of recycling the last few minutes of the previous film.

05:00 I'm not going to count the recap kills as kills proper because I've already counted them ...and you get what I'm saying.

06:19 Six minutes in and the film starts proper with some funky 3-D “in your face” credits and, I sh*t you not, a disco version of the FRIDAY THE 13th theme. Groovy.

07:30 Credits are still running. Did you know that this is the only Friday flick in which none of the characters actually say the name Jason?

08:16 Holy hell, the first appearance of a crane shot in a Friday pic. We’ve definitely entered into the big leagues. Guess the added 3-D element demanded that this one be a little more visually impressive. “Guess” being the operative word here. Movie still looks pretty bad even with the fancy camerawork.

12:05 Spent only five minutes with Harold (Steve Susskind) and Edna (Cheri Maugans), the owners of the connivance store, and I’m ready to see both of them die. The woman is a nag and the dude is eating bits of the stuff they’re selling and putting it back on the shelf. That’s just nasty. Go get ‘em, Jason!

13:50 Could’ve done without seeing the Shop Owner take a massive dump in 3-D.

15:35 Jason buries a cleaver in Harold‘s chest.

16:44 Edna gets a sewing needle through the neck.

17:00 Chronologically, FRIDAY THE 13th PART 3 takes place the day after FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2.

17:44 Introduction to the new victims: Chris (the virginal heroine), Shelley (the horror movie geek who’s always clowning around), Debbie (the best friend), Vera (the Hispanic friend), Chuck (the Tommy Chong wannabe), Chili (the Cheech to Chuck's Chong) and Andy (the generic hunk).

20:00 Goofy pot humor. Gotta love it. Debbie reveals she’s …pregnant?!? Didn’t remember that little plot point.

22:08 The Scooby gang runs across a hobo in the middle of the street who’s carrying around a human eyeball. Seems somebody had to take Crazy Ralph’s place.

23:40 Chris is certainly the most attractive Friday “Final Girl” so far. Fans of actress Dana Kimmell might want to check her out in the relatively obscure slasher pic SWEET SIXTEEN and the Chuck Norris action epic LONE WOLF MCQUADE.

24:35 Actor Paul Kratka reminds me a bit of Rene Kirby from SHALLOW HAL …except without the spina bifida.

26:44 Shirtless Rick for the ladies and random hay bale moving action for …whoever is into that sorta thing. I’m not sure why exactly they decide to start moving hay bales around less than five minutes after arriving at the cabin.

28:48 Just noticed something, Chris is the first gal in any of the Friday movies so far to actually wear a bra. I’m not sure if this is a good or a bad sign.

29:25 Shelly pulls a pretty funny “hatchet to the head” gag …except nobody finds funny. I thought it was pretty good.

31:20 Store clerk makes a random racist remark towards Vera (Catherine Parks). What the hell is up with that? And what’s the deal with the biker gang straight out of DEATH WISH III?

34:03 Shelly gains some respect by smashing up the gang’s motorcycles with his yellow Volkswagen bug.

35:10 Debbie (Tracie Savage) in a bikini. Thank you, director Steve Miner (the unofficial hero of the first three Friday flicks).

35:52 Rick is already complaining that him and Chris haven’t gotten it on despite the fact that she’s only been there for a few hours. Dude, chill the f**k out and just wait. All good things come to those who wait.

37:00 This biker gang is really strange. There’s one black guy, a Hispanic gal and a middle-aged white dude. They steal Shelly’s wallet …but give it back. They threaten to get revenge for the damaged bikes …and steal the gas out of the gang’s van? LEAST. THREATENING. GANG. EVER.

39:53 Biker chick almost gets an accidental pitchfork to the face.

42:00 Biker chick gets a real pitchfork to the neck.

42:31 White boy biker gets a pitchfork to the gut.

44:04 Jason appears to hack the black biker to death with a machete …but doesn’t kill him? Strange. Only Jason death I can recall where the big guy doesn’t actually make sure the person is dead.

45:52 Shelley and Andy (Jeffrey Rogers) have a 3-D juggle off. If there was ever a reason for the format to exist, this would be it. Well, this and Tracie Savage prancing around in a tight blue bikini.

47:08 Despite being a Hispanic character, the actress who they hired to play Vera doesn’t look the least bit Hispanic. Just saying.

48:39 Debbie and Andy finally fulfill the Friday flick quota for gratuitous nudity. Yay!

49:42 Chris shares a story that features child abuse (seems Chris’s mom got a little slap happy one night) and Jason rape. Yeah, Jason rape. Seems the big lug found Chris sitting alone in the woods one night, attacked her, knocked her out, had a little fun and then brought her back home to her parents. Huh?

50:00 Have I mentioned that I opted to watch the red-and-blue 3-D version of this flick included with the big FRIDAY THE 13th box set Paramount just released? Big mistake. Ended the movie with a splitting headache and both my eyes seeing the world through different tints. Do yourself a favor and stick with the 2-D version. Don’t make the mistake we made.

53:41 Yet another instance of someone taking a 3-D dump.

56:22 Outside of the fact he raped Chris, Jason seems more laid back this time around. He doesn’t run, doesn’t jump though windows or sprint -- big guy just kinda strolls around killing folks.

56:55 First appearance of the trademark Jason hockey mask. Shelly is wearing it when he scares Vera at the lake. Quick sidenote: This is the second Friday flick in a row to NOT take place at Camp Crystal Lake.

58:00 Shelly’s throat is slit off-screen.

60:00 First appearance of Jason actually wearing the hockey mask.

60:38 Vera is shot in the eye with a spear by Jason.

61:41 Gratuitous Debbie boobage! Yay! Love how smartass this gal is. Too bad she’s about to buy the farm. Another sidenote: The full screen version of this flick doesn’t actually feature any boob action from Debbie. You only get that with the widescreen version.

63:00 Jason splits Andy (who’s walking around on his hands) in half with a machete.

65:00 Nice cameo of an issue of Fangoria showing off Tom Savini (who did the FX for the original and THE FINAL CHAPTER) and Godzilla (director Miner was working on a 3-D Godzilla flick that never came to fruition this making of this film).

65:25 Debbie is stabbed from behind in a callback to Kevin Bacon’s demise in the original. Do I count her unborn child as a kill too? Would that be in poor taste? It would be in poor taste, wouldn’t it? I’ll not mentio …oops, too late.

68:18 Shelley reappears and dies from a throat slashing sustained earlier.

68:38 Chuck (David Katims) is electrocuted to death.

69:38 Chili (Rachel Howard) is stabbed in the gut with a hot fire poker. Thank the maker that death didn't occur to Debbie. Just saying.

71:34 Rick goes outside to investigate some spooky sounds. Dumbass.

72:30 Jason squeezes Rick’s head so hard that his eyes pop out. Yikes!

75:00 Must be time for the finale because dead bodies are popping up left and right.

75:53 One has to wonder what Jason’s motivation is in this flick. I mean, the last film had him finishing off the woman who killed his mother and him taking down the camp that moved in across the lake. This one has him attacking a group of teens who are …in another county? I mean, seriously, they never clearly state this one even takes place at Crystal Lake.

77:37 Jason speaks! Well, not really speaks but more grunt screams at Chris. She stabs him in the arm and chest and he actually makes noise. Don’t remember that at all. Always thought he was silent in these earlier pics.

79:22 The van actually starts on the first try! Shocking. Too bad the wannabe biker gang stole all the gas earlier and the damn thing konks out almost immediately. Nice try at escaping, Chris.

83:42 Jason seems very clean. A little too clean. Dude is living in a shack in the woods. He should be disgusting and grimy.

84:44 Holy sh*t, Chris just hung Jason! Talk about taking a motherf**ker somebody out. Any other slasher and that would’ve been the final kill. Here, it’s merely a prelude to the real villain demise.

86:22 Jason pops his mask up to give Chris is a little smile. Dude, keep the f**king mask ON!

86:37 Black biker resurrects himself only to be promptly hacked to death with a machete by Jason.

87:04 Jason gets an axe to the face and an iconic scar is born.

88:00 What is it with Friday heroines and taking a canoe out into the middle of the lake after dispatching with the baddie?

89:00 Did not-quite-dead Jason just hiss at Chris? WTF?!?

90:13 The decomposed corpse of Mama Voorhees pops up and drags Chris to the bottom of the lake in yet another dream sequence fake-out ending.

90:14 There was two alternate endings to this movie that were actually shot. One had Chris doing the same thing to kill Jason, except Ali (the black biker) barely survives (he dies in the used ending), both of them escape, and Jason walks away--or the viewer assumes so--because when the police arrive, Jason's body isn't there. The other ending had Chris kill Jason, then go out in the canoe and fall asleep. In the alternate fake-out ending, Jason decapitates her with a machete.

91:37 Real ending kicks in and reveals Jason is dead …for now.

91:38 Much like its sequel FRIDAY THE 13th: THE FINAL CHAPTER, this film was intended to end the series. Unlike its sequel and the later film, JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY, this film did not include a moniker in its title to indicate as such.

THE VERDICT

While technically this is probably the slightest of all the Friday flicks, FRIDAY THE 13th PART 3 holds a special place in my dark heart. First caught it when I was seven years old. My parents had just gotten cable and PART 3 was running almost around the clock on HBO. Didn’t intend on seeing it. Just woke up late one night, wandered downstairs and turned the TV on. Probably thought I’d find cartoons or something.

But I didn’t. I found FRIDAY THE 13th PART 3. I found it around the 42:00 mark when the bikers enter the barn. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at or even if this was one of those movies my parents warned me that I couldn’t watch. All I knew was that the music was scary and something was about to happen.

I sat there, mere inches away from the my parent’s then-giant 20-inch television, sweating profusely in anticipation of what was about to happen. I didn’t know about slasher films at the time. Didn’t even know they existed. Hell, I barely knew horror movies existed. All I knew of horror at that time was the Universal monster movies. You know, The Wolfman and Dracula. Frankenstein’s monster and I might have been aware of The Mummy. But that was it and those were old-school. Old-school meant there was no blood, no on-screen kills and definitely no swearing or nudity.

So you can imagine how badly my adolescent brain was scarred from the image of Jason tearing through the gang of bikers. More correctly, you can probably imagine how scarred I was when I was presented with the image of the lady biker hanging from a rafter, pitchfork buried in her throat, and suddenly my father’s hand grasped my shoulder. I believe he might have said “What are you doing up?” but I’m not real sure. All I’m sure of is that the scream I let out woke my mother, my brother, the neighbors, the lodger we had living downstairs and pretty much most of Ogden. Dad still claims to this day that my scream was so loud that it burst his ear drum.

Six years later, I discovered what the movie was that I had seen that fateful night. During one of my early pre-teen “rent a dozen movies, buy a pizza and be sure to get a Super NES or Genesis game” hangout sessions, the subject of FRIDAY THE 13th was brought up. I’d seen the original and JASON LIVES at that point, but none of the others. My buddy Abe insisted that the third one was the best and that we had to see it. One quick rental later, Abe, me and a bunch of other friends whose names have been lost to the sands of time sat down to rectify my non-knowledge of it. Exactly forty-two minutes later, I was screaming like a girl again. Five out of six hockey masks.

THE PLOT

After the events of FRIDAY THE 13th PART 3, Jason's seemingly lifeless body is brought to the morgue, where horny attendant Axel (Bruce Mahler) is trying to score with foxy Nurse Morgan (Lisa Freeman). The pair quickly meet a grisly end. Meanwhile, at Crystal Lake, estranged wife Mrs. Jarvis (Joan Freeman) and her kids -- young Tommy (Corey Feldman) and teenaged Trish (Kimberly Beck) -- find their quiet invaded by a group of hard-partying kids moving into the rental house next door.

The youngsters include curious virgin Sara (Barbara Howard), hot-to-trot Samantha (Judie Aronson), and nebbish Jimmy (Crispin Glover). Tommy, a monster makeup enthusiast, enjoys watching the scantily clad young ladies through his window, while Trish toys with the idea of joining in their revelries. Also lurking around the area is Rob (Erich Anderson), who claims to be hunting bear but actually has mysterious ties to the events of FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2.

As the house full of teens begins to pair off -- aided by the addition of local twins Tina (Camilla More) and Terri (Carey More) to the mix -- an unseen killer begins to pick them off one by one. The bloodshed climaxes with a tense showdown in which Tommy disguises himself as a bald, lumpy boyhood version of Jason in hopes of distracting the relentless psychopath who hunts him.

THE RUNDOWN

00:20 Whoo-hoo! The Friday trend of recycling footage continues! All of the kills from the previous films play over Paul’s spooky campfire Jason legend from FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2. I can dig it. Can you dig it?

02:51 Great opening credit image of Jason’s mask that …explodes? What is with this series and exploding credits?

05:00 Nice opening shot of the police cleaning up (production value!) the mess left at the end of PART 3. That helicopter might just be the most expensive effect in the series thus far.

08:20 Director Joseph Zito is still in THE PROWLER mode here. Gore fans will love it, suspense fans not so much.

09:13 Gotta love the coroner Axel. Dude watches endless aerobic class loops on mute, makes necrophilia jokes and eats while signing in the dead bodies. Class act all the way.

09:15 For those interested, here’s the full video that Axel is watching. Turns out it wasn’t made for the movie and actually came from some show called AEROBICISE.

11:54 Helllo, Nurse! Axel and Nurse Morgan get it on in front of Jason’s supposedly dead body.

14:02 Jason uses a bone-saw to slit Axel’s throat then twists his head clean off.

14:18 Nurse Morgan is sliced down the middle with a scalpel.

15:40 Mouth! Er…I mean, Tommy Jarvis! Bonus points for the dated Zaxxon references.

16:00 Three movies in and I’m finally starting to feel the burn a bit. Need coffee and cookies.

16:28 New group of teens to slaughter. There’s a McFly in the group. Character name might be Jimmy and his buddy Ted (Lawrence Monoson) can call him a “Dead F**k” all day long, but Crispin Glover will always be George McFly to me.

18:45 The grave of Pamela Voorhees makes cameo appearance. Too bad the graveyard here doesn’t look anything like the one used in JASON LIVES. Continuity is a bitch in these flicks. If you don’t believe me then just look at Jason. Dude is a hairy f**king hillbilly in PART 2, a bald giant in PART 3 and looks basically like Frankenstein’s monster in THE FINAL CHAPTER and what’s really funny is that all four of these movies take place immediately after each other.

19:56 A random hitchhiker (Bonnie Hellman) is stabbed in the neck by Jason.

21:46 Third sequel in a row not set at Camp Crystal Lake.

22:36 Idle girl talk between Sara and Samantha. Why do these flicks always feel the need to verbally establish who is the slut is and who the virgin is when the gaudy clothes already give them away.

23:54 Tommy plays Peeping Tom and almost gets a good show …before Mama Jarvis rolls in and spoils all his fun.

25:25 Nice double shot of Sara and Samantha and their short-shorts. God bless the 80s.

26:13 Introduction of twin sisters Tina and Terri (Camilla and Carey Moore). I’m honestly shocked that super-hot twins hadn’t already been introduced into the series before this point.

27:31 Bikinis and banana hammocks, fun for everyone! Tina, Terri and Samantha go fully nude shortly thereafter followed by an ass shot from Ted. This sequence may possibly be the most gratuitous nude scene in all of the Friday flicks.

30:00 Tommy knows how to fix a car engine? Impressive.

31:28 Anime-style panty shot from Sara. An early sign that this good girl might go wild? Perhaps.

33:00 Rob appears. Dude is my favorite character (male, at least) in the series thus far. Really dig that he’s come to Crystal Lake looking for his sister’s killer (Rob’s sis was Sandra, the double impalement vic from PART 2). Gives him just enough gravitas to rise above the usual fodder. Too bad the timeline is a little off. I mean, if Sandra died in PART 2 and PART 3 takes the next day and THE FINAL CHAPTER takes place the day after that …it means that Rob is hunting a guy who literally killed his sis three days ago.

34:13 Tommy’s room is unveiled. Kid is basically a mini Tom Savini (who returned to do the special effects for this flick).

35:43 The dance Crispin Glover does here is one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen on film. It’s like he’s suffering a heart attack while simultaneously suffering a seizure and overdosing on crack.

40:10 Some light relationship drama stuff here. Yay. Been nearly twenty minutes since Jason killed somebody. That’s gotta be a record or something.

41:46 Samantha drops trou and goes for a skinny dip. I feel a kill coming on…

43:39 Bingo! Samantha gets a knife in the gut and out the back.

44:44 What is up with Terri and Tina? They seem to be just floating from guy to guy -- breaking up all the relationships in the room with no rhyme or reason. I get they are supposed to be hot bitchy sluts …but do they have to be hot bitchy uber-sluts?

47:41 Paul is shot in the crotch with a spear gun. Every male who’s ever seen this flick felt that kill.

49:11 Is it just me or is Jason is just f**king with Rob? Instead of killing him, Jason sneaks into Rob’s tent, crumples up his maps, breaks his rifle and drinks his soda. Not cool, man.

50:00 Stag reel boobies.

50:55 George McFly finally gets some. Good for him.

52:00 Terri is speared (no pun intended) from behind in what is the most artfully shot kill in the entire film. Done all with shadows and light. Interesting. Can’t say I was expecting that from Zito or this series.

55:08 Mama Jarvis is killed off-screen. Strange kill. Death is never shown and her body doesn’t pop up in the finale. Only kill like this in the series as far as I know.

55:09 Found an alternate ending on the DVD that revealed the fate of Mama Jarvis. Turns out she was originally going to pop up dead in the upstairs bathroom in a scene very reminiscent of the finale of Zito’s THE PROWLER. Scene got cut and Mama Jarvis became a plot hole.

55:31 Sara in her underwear. Guess this so-called “nice gal” is about to do the deed and become fodder for Jason.

58:21 Rob, thinking Jason is in his tent, takes a swing at Trish with a machete. Chill out, man!

61:00 McFly…er, Jimmy gets a corkscrew to the hand and a cleaver to the face. Jason later spikes him to a doorway.

62:10 Tina is thrown from the second story window and into the roof of a station wagon.

62:59 Is it just me or did this flick just go into overdrive with the kills and naked bits? Might be coffee kicking in but I’m kinda psyched at the moment.

64:21 Shower sex with Doug and Sara! Nudie bits for everyone!

65:34 Ted gets a cleaver in the back of the head.

68:00 Jason crushes Doug’s skull. AngieBee just pointed out that Peter Barton, the actor who played Doug, used to be on THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS.

69:05 Sara takes an axe to the chest. When did Jason gain the ability to teleport? He’s upstairs one moment, downstairs the next, outside at points, on the roof. Dude is everywhere and nowhere. Thought Supernatural Jason didn’t appear until part 6.

73:13 Dog randomly leaps through a window in slo-mo. What the f**k is up with that?

74:49 Did Jason actually take the time to stab Doug and pin him to wall just for kicks?

75:29 Rob is stabbed to death with a garden trowel. Definitely the most disturbing death so far …dude dies while screaming “Oh god! He’s killing me! He’s killing me!”. Jason later drives a spike into his head. Lot of after-death body dismemberment going on in this flick.

76:39 Trish opts to escape the house by going out the window rather than around Jimmy’s dead body (which has been nailed to the back door). There’s your IDIOT MOMENT for this flick.

77:45 Jason tries to kill Tommy. That marks the first time the big guy has intentionally tried to murder a child. Debbie’s unborn baby in PART 3 doesn’t count because Jason didn’t know she was preggers. Yeah, I brought it up again. Deal. Think all the Irish coffee I’m drinking might be kicking in hardcore.

81:11 Trish runs out of her house, back into the house full of dead bodies, stops for a moment to stare down Jason, goes up the stairs and then leaps out a second story window. This gal has got to the be the dumbest “Final Girl” in the entire series.

83:00 Jason gets a machete between the fingers. Yee-ouch!

83:44 Tommy shaves his head and f**ks Jason right up. I kinda love the fact that Jason is easily distracted by ratty sweaters and bald children.

84:00 Corey Feldman wore a skullcap to perpetuate the illusion that he had shaved his head.

85:24 Jason takes a machete to the head and dies! No joke. He’s dead. And in what can only be described as a post-traumatic stress freak-out, Tommy chops him into itty bitty bits just to make sure.

88:00 Jason might be dead …but the implication from the final freeze-frame shot of Tommy is that he will, I guess, continue Jason‘s murderous ways.

THE VERDICT

Fans may love the outstanding Tom Savini gore effects and the origin of Tommy Jarvis, but THE FINAL CHAPTER has always been one of my least favorite Friday sequels. I guess what throws me off here is the uneven performances (two bad ones for every good one) and “meh” direction from Joseph Zito. Dude basically recycled his entire PROWLER bag of tricks here and it shows. I’d probably rank this somewhere in the middle of the Friday sequel quality scale -- definitely better than THE NEW BLOOD but nowhere near as good as the original or PART 3. Three out of six hockey masks.

THE PLOT

Opening with a nightmare prologue in which Corey Feldman reprises his role as Tommy Jarvis, the boy who killed Jason in the previous installment, the film jumps forward several years to when a teenaged Tommy (John Shepherd), haunted by visions of Jason returning to life, moves into a group home for mentally disturbed kids.

Almost as soon as he arrives, Tommy witnesses the death of Joey (Dominick Brascia), an overweight, annoying boy who is hacked to death by psychopathic patient Vic (Mark Venturini). Although Vic ends up safely behind bars, other bodies begin to turn up -- more than 20 by the end of the film. Tommy's own violent streak, displayed when he lashes out at a fellow resident, makes him a suspect; he even doubts his own sanity.

But as the bloodshed continues, Tommy finds himself allied with Reggie (Shavar Ross), the grandson of one of the home's employees, in a desperate bid to survive the carnage and find out who the killer behind the hockey mask really is.

THE RUNDOWN

00:02 I love the old school Paramount logo and …holy sh*t, is the movie already kicking in? That was quick.

01:15 Corey Feldman, clearly on a weekend leave from the set of THE GOONIES, clocks in a return appearance as Tommy Jarvis. Not sure why Tommy would want to visit the grave of Jason Voorhees.

02:16 Two drunken yokels arrive and dig Jason up. Say whaa?

03:30 Jason was buried with his mask and machete. Just the way he would’ve wanted it.

03:35 Yokel #1 (Neal) takes a machete to the gut and Yokel #2 (Lex) lands a spike to the neck.

04:48 Tommy (now played by John Shepard) wakes up in a van on its way to a nice little youth development center (IE an institution). Shepard looks to be every day of eighteen which means that Tommy is now six years older and this is set in 1991 or 1992. Not sure. The chronology of these movies is pretty whack …especially since the character of Violet, the “Madonna clone”, clearly posits this movie around 1985.

05:53 Yet another exploding credit sequence. I guess I should be glad they didn’t kick off with a recap of the last four movies.

06:00 Tommy's opening dream was different in the original script, and arguably made him seem more of a suspect later on. It opens as more of a continuation from the ending of the previous film - THE FINAL CHAPTER - as a young Tommy is taken to the same hospital as Jason's corpse. Then, in a sudden fit of psychotic rage, young Tommy winds up attacking half the hospital staff trying to get to the morgue and finding Jason's bloodied body. Once he had finally found the body, Jason suddenly rises from the autopsy table. Immediately after this, the adult Tommy wakes up in the van en route to the Pinehurst house.

09:50 Seems Tommy is basically a mute now. Guess he didn’t adapt real well to normal living after hacking up Jason in the last pic. Not counting the laughing or yelling, Tommy only says 24 words throughout the whole movie.

12:15 I hope that knife is for protection and not his stabbin’ knife. Hate to see a young man go to the dark side.

13:16 Tommy scares the living daylights out of wise-cracking Reggie. Good call. Kid needed to be put in his place.

14:46 Hey, Gramps is played by the old guy who ran the trailer park in THE LAST STARFIGHTER!

15:12 Fourth sequel to not be set at Camp Crystal Lake.

15:28 Deputy Dodd is played by Richard Lineback from SPEED and TWISTER.

16:12 Seems a couple of rejects from THE DUKES OF HAZZARD have wandered onto the set of this picture. Wouldn’t mind if Ethel and her dumbass son bought the farm quickly and violently.

20:00 Kinda ridiculous the levels director Danny Steinmann is dipping to establish that Joey is a fat guy. We got it the minute we saw him. Didn’t need the chocolate stains on his mouth or his speech about being fat to understand it.

21:08 Vic buries an axe in Joey’s spine. First non-Voorhees inflicted kill in the series.

22:46 For a movie that favors itself as a “whodunit”, A NEW BEGINNING makes the bone-headed mistake of focusing on paramedic Roy (Dick Wieland) too long. Hell, even the music changes when they show this guy. Might not know his motivation yet, but he clearly labeled as the killer from the moment we meet him.

23:00 Funny enough, actor Dick Wieland reminds me of politician John Kerry.

23:59 What the hell is up with the two rejects from GREASE, Vinnie and Pete?

25:29 Vinnie gets a road flare to the mouth.

26:30 Pete’s throat is slit. Deserved it for his sh*tty singing and horrific overacting.

27:29 Random Jason dream appearance! Original Jason will now be referred to as Jason Red for the remainder of this review due to the markings on his mask. The alterna-Jason that just offed Vinnie and Pete will be referred to Jason Blue due to …well, you can probably guess why.

31:15 Tommy goes full freak-out on Eddie (John Robert Dixon) and beats the shit out of him.

32:14 I’m really hating these cutaways to the country bumpkins.

33:46 Random Roy appearance. This flick isn’t even trying with the mystery of who the new Jason is. Just put a f**king sign on him and call it a day.

34:00 Another random duo, Lana (Rebecca Wood) and Billy (Bob DiSimone), introduced solely to up the body count.

35:03 Lana breaks the fourth wall and flashes her tits to the audience. Thanks!

32:23 First sighting of cocaine in a Friday flick. Oh yeah, Billy is toast.

36:43 Jumping cat fake-out scare!

37:18 Billy gets a hatchet to the head. Wonder why Jason Blue killed him? Seems awful random.

38:47 Lana takes a hatchet to the stomach. Another random kill. I mean, more random than usual. Four kills in a row now have had seemingly no connection to the main plot.

39:26 Jason Red appearance!

40:08 The Mayor shows up to give the Sheriff a bunch of flak about the recent string of murders. Um, okay? I’d expect a scene like this in JAWS or a disaster movie, but it seems hopelessly out-of-place here.

42:49 Tina and Eddie are heading into the woods to smoke some weed and have sex? Better order up some body bags.

43:46 Homeless drifter Raymond (Sonny Shields) is knifed in the gut.

44:26 Not to be crass, but Tina (Debi Sue Voorhees) has an amazing rack. Seriously. And her real-life name is as equally awesome. Debi Sue Voorhees? Gal was born to appear in a Friday flick.

45:02 Tina gets a pair of hedge clippers to the eyes. DAMN.

46:21 Jason Blue crushes Eddie’s head against a tree with a leather strap.

48:29 Harry Manfredini’s score kicks in pretty hardcore for what seems to be an endless loop of shots of a truck driving down a country road.

49:18 Miguel Nunez Jr pops up as Reggie‘s brother Demon, rocking about every bad 80s fashion imaginable. Between this and RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, 1985 was a good genre year for Nunez.

52:14 Tommy beats the hell out of Edna’s dumbass son Junior just because he spoke to him. Is it just me or does Tommy have some serious rage issues? Might want to keep that in check when out in public.

54:11 Great, another guy taking a dump. What is up with these movies and showing guys go to the bathroom?

54:59 Nina killed off-screen. Throat slit.

55:55 Demon is impaled through the chest with a metal pole.

56:00 "Victor Faden" can be seen written on the outhouse wall behind Demon. This is the name of the mental patient who hacked Joey to death and was taken away by the police. Many believe this was put there to insinuate the possibility that Victor had escaped and is committing more murders.

57:46 More garbage with the country bumpkins. Will Jason Blue just show up and kill these clowns already?

58:32 Junior is decapitated. About f**king time.

59:00 Edna takes a cleaver to the face and this low point for the franchise is finally over.

59:52 Why is that none of the vehicles in these movies ever seem to work? I mean, seriously, get an oil change or tune-up occasionally. Might save your life.

63:48 Jake gets a cleaver to the head after unsuccessful attempts to bed Robin and Violet.

65:05 Robin goes topless for no reason other than a little T&A during a slow point in the movie. Sleeps topless too. Yeah, that seems like a smart idea when living in a mental home.

66:19 Robin’s toplessness is rewarded with a machete through the back.

66:52 Funky robot dancing from Violet. Not as strange as Crispin Glover’s in THE FINAL CHAPTER, but weird nonetheless.

68:00 Violet is executed with a machete to the gut. Her original demise, which was cut by the MPAA, involved Jason Blue ramming that machete up her …well, her woo-hoo.

69:00 This is the second movie of the series in which Jason Voorhees is not the killer.

70:00 First full-on appearance of Jason Blue. Kinda funny how hard the movie is trying to convince you that Tommy is the man behind the mask. Surely the filmmakers didn’t think they had some great mystery on their hands.

71:00 Duke is found with his throat slit.

72:19 Matt is found pinned to a tree with a railroad spike in his forehead.

73:12 Gramps is chucked through a window, eyes gouged out.

74:00 Why isn’t Pam getting off the damn ground? How hard is it to stand up and run? Seriously?

74:25 Reggie nails Jason Blue with a bulldozer! Nice going, kid.

75:19 Why is it that no one is ever willing to finish off the villain after injuring him? Jason Blue is down and instead of killing him, Pam and Reggie just stand next to him and whimper till he wakes back up. WTF?

76:00 Pam channels her inner-Ginny and goes after Jason Blue with a chainsaw. Yay! Too bad it runs out of gas almost immediately. Boo!

77:00 Tommy’s been gone for quite awhile now. Guess this is director Danny Steinmann’s way of attempting to trick the audience into thinking he’s the killer. Too bad two of the kills earlier in the film happened while Tommy was at the trailer park with Pam and Reggie.

78:00 Tommy’s back! Guess that rules him out as the killer …not that anyone thought he was.

79:30 If someone comes at you with a machete …you run. What you don’t do is stand there and let the son of a bitch slash you across the chest. I would’ve thought Tommy was smarter than that.

82:59 Jason Blue, now fully revealed as Roy despite the fact that anyone with a half a brain figured that out about an hour ago, falls and is impaled on a conveniently placed bed of spikes.

85:12 Sheriff pops up to explain Roy was Joey’s dad and somehow his murder set off the whole murderous rampage. Still not sure how most of those random kills early in the film were connected to anything but maybe it all made sense in an earlier draft.

86:25 Tommy dream-kills Pam with a machete!

87:10 Jason Red makes his final appearance and leaves Tommy a gift: a knife and a hockey mask.

89:00 Tommy (we assume) kills Pam with the gift from Jason Red …only to have the scene immediately retconned in the first moments of JASON LIVES.

90:00 The movie's title "A New Beginning" was chosen because it was intended for Tommy Jarvis to become the killer in the next movie. According to interviews with Danny Steinmann, Steinmann was instructed to do two things on Friday the 13th: part V. He was to deliver a shock, scare, or kill every seven or eight minutes. Most importantly, he was to turn Tommy into Jason. Apparently the ending with Tommy about to kill Pam was not meant to be interpreted as a dream but was suppose to be Tommy gone crazy about his encounter with the fake Jason. However this plot twist was abandoned when fans wanted Jason back so he was resurrected in the sequel. Had the movie gone down well with fans, then the producers would have brought back John Shepherd and Melanie Kinnaman for a direct sequel.

THE VERDICT

Misunderstood much like HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2: FREDDY’S REVENGE, I’ve always felt that A NEW BEGINNING has gotten a bad rap. Yeah, the identity of the killer is telegraphed from a mile away and the acting is some of the worst the series has to offer but none of that really matters when there is so much blood and so many boobs to take in. Isn’t that what we watch FRIDAY THE 13th movies?

As far as violence and exploitation goes, A NEW BEGINNING is one of the better installments. Just go in with an open mind (and the ability to forgive it for using a faux-Jason) and should have a good time. In my opinion, this flick is the purest (as far as "The Rules" go) Friday flick of them all. Five out of six hockey masks.

THE PLOT

Tommy Jarvis, now played by Thom Matthews, accidentally resurrects Jason when he impales the killer's corpse with a metal pole during a lightning storm. Numerous murders follow, beginning with Tommy's friend (Ron Palillo) having his heart torn out of his chest by the zombie killer.

Implicated in the crimes by a mean-spirited sheriff (David Kagen), Tommy is freed from jail by the sheriff's daughter, spunky Megan (Jennifer Cooke). The cast converges on Camp Crystal Lake, which has been renamed "Camp Forest Green" by superstitious locals, in time for Tommy to send Jason back to the bottom of the lake, if only temporarily.

THE RUNDOWN

00:36 Flick opens with a bunch of nice atmospheric shots of …holy cow, Camp Crystal Lake! Franchise finally went back to it’s roots. About time.

01:25 Gratuitous Ron Palillo (Horshack from WELCOME BACK, MR. KOTTER) cameo!

02:33 New Tommy Thom Matthews is already an improvement. Dude has more dialogue in the first five of JASON LIVES than John Shepard had in all of A NEW BEGINNING.

03:00 After becoming a born again Christian, John Shepherd did not want to reprise the role of Tommy.

04:20 How is digging up Jason a good idea? How is ramming a metal pole into his chest in the middle of lightning storm a good idea? How is anything in the first five minutes of this flick a good idea?

06:00 Horshack and new Tommy even bring Jason’s mask back to him. What the hell?

06:33 Lightning strikes and Jason lives!

07:55 Pal, that’s the reanimated corpse of Jason f**king Voorhees. I highly doubt a can of gas and a pack of matches is going to do any good at this point. My suggestion? Nuclear bomb.

08:15 Jason rips Horshack’s heart out.

08:52 Oh yeah, JASON LIVES just did a Bond homage. Classy. Definitely better than repeating the same old exploding credits schtick.

10:10 Crystal Lake has been re-named Forest Green? And why is Sheriff Garris so trigger-happy? Dude seems really intense for some yokel cop. Shouldn’t he be more like Barney Fife (Gratuitous THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW reference!) and less like Sheriff Teasle (Even more gratuitous FIRST BLOOD reference!)?

12:17 Hey, it’s the guy who killed Patrick Swayze in GHOST! I say kill Tony Goldwyn off for crimes against the Swayze.

13:17 Seems Jason heard my request and has arrived to grant it. Thanks, buddy!

14:09 Lizabeth’s car gets a metal rod to the engine.

14:46 Goldwyn is speared and tossed into the woods.

15:18 Lizabeth takes a spear (I swear I’m not making sexual innuendos) to the face. Lot of spearing going down in the last two minutes. Jason should send Tommy a “Thank You” note for giving him his new favorite weapon.

16:00 Gratuitous American Express cameo. Don’t leave home without it.

17:40 Looks like Sheriff Garris is going to Teasle Tommy and drive him out of town.

18:15 Martin the cemetery caretaker breaks the fourth wall and gives the audience shit for checking out a FRIDAY THE 13th movie. Cute.

19:41 Megan reveals that the date is Friday the 13th. I believe this might be the first installment since the original to actually be set on the titular date. Not sure. Getting a little tired now. Need more coffee.

20:00 Did I mention Megan is the sheriff’s daughter? If not, I just did.

22:27 Jason face plants paintball-playing businessman into a tree then tears his arm off.

23:00 Crew member Dan Bradley played Jason on the first day of shooting. That is why Jason's build in the paint ball scenes is different from C.J. Graham's. This is also why Jason's eye color changes during the film. Paramount had seen the first day's rushes, and they asked that Jason be recast (as they felt that Bradley looked too bulky as Jason), so Graham was given the role.

24:24 Triple decapitation! Jason really hates these paintballing businessmen. IMDB lists their names as Kate, Stan and Larry but I’m sure the movie never took the time to tell the us that.

25:00 Whoa, did that bespectacled paintballer (Roy) actually escape Jason’s grasp?

26:52 Sweet Judas, look at the size of the laser sight the deputy’s pistol! How does that even fit into a holster?

29:05 Did Sheriff Garris just threaten to make Tommy’s balls into earrings? Eww…

30:14 What is up with the random couple (Steven and Annette) in the middle of the woods? Whole bit with them feels like re-shoot kills like maybe the flick was a little lacking in the first cut and needed some beefing up.

31:10 Martin is stabbed in the throat with a broken bottle then chopped to bits. Overkill? I think so. Dude was nice enough to cover your tracks, Jason. Least you could’ve done was let him live.

32:03 Steven and Annette are double impaled by Jason’s machete.

32:11 According to IMDB, additional death scenes were filmed after the movie was screened for test audiences: the death of Martin (who is not killed in Simon Hawke's novelization of the film); the double impalement of Annette and Steven (neither of whom are featured in the novelization); and Sissy's death was actually filmed, rather than just showing her being pulled out of the window and her head found later, as was originally in the film.

32:36 Nice sight gag involving one of the campers falling asleep reading Jean-Paul Sartre’s NO EXIT.

35:00 What’s this? A Friday sex scene (between Cort and Nikki) with no nudity? No thanks.

38:47 Nice meta-reference to the fact that vehicles never seem to start in these movies.

39:00 Alice Cooper provided three previously released songs (“I’m No Animal”, “Teenage Frankenstein” and “Hard Rock Summer”) and one original one ("He's Back") for the JASON LIVES soundtrack. First Friday movie to make explicit use of licensed music and they go with Cooper. Impressive.

40:20 Nikki’s face is smashed into the plastic wall of a Winnebago.

40:58 Cort is knifed in the ear.

41:00 Winnebago flips and bursts into flames. First technical car wreck in a Friday flick and definitely the first explosion.

43:22 Jason seems very random in this installment. Basically been wandering around just offing people left and right for no real discernible reason.

46:15 Nope, Roy didn’t get away. Jason caught him and ripped him apart off-screen.

48:42 Jason twists Sissy’s head off. Damn.

50:22 Random car chase between the cops and Megan (who’s now helping Tommy for reasons that are a little unclear).

51:00 The movie was filmed in Camp Daniel Morgan, Covington, Georgia, a suburb about 30 minutes outside of Atlanta.

53:02 That little girl stole Jason’s machete. I doubt he’s going to be okay with that.

55:03 Man, I really don’t like Sheriff Garris. Old bastard knows Tommy is innocent yet insists on locking him up. Douchebag.

59:15 You’d think Paula would be more worried since one of the younglings just brought her a bloody machete. Instead, she’s kinda laid back. Little worried, but nothing too intense. Me? I see bloody machete and I see a car ride to the police station in my immediate future.

59:22 Jason smashes Paula to death with his bare hands.

59:26 Officer Cologne crushes a bug with his bare hand. Ick.

62:58 Did Megan just make a STAR WARS reference? Yes. Yes, she did.

64:00 I've always wondered what would’ve happened had Tommy and Megan not shown up in time to rescue the kids. Was Jason going to kill the little ones? Didn’t look like he was but the implication is that he might. Mass child slaughter would’ve definitely would’ve pushed the franchise into the “incredibly tasteless” category.

66:18 Officer Thornton takes a dart to the face. Where’d Jason get one of those?

68:03 Officer Pappas’s skull is crushed …but not before he puts six bullets into Jason. First time in the series that a character has actually bothered shooting Jason. Too bad they waited till the big guy was in supernatural form (LIVES marks the first appearance of undead Jason, he was human prior to this) to bother with the heavy artillery.

69:40 Sheriff Garris blasts Jason in the chest with a shotgun three times and unloads six bullets into his chest. No good. Dude takes it and keeps coming. Bet Tommy is regretting digging this mofo up right about now.

72:32 Did that kid just say that they were all “dead meat”? Way to be a f**king downer, kid.

73:82 “What we’re you going to be when you grew up?”. Great line.

74:02 Sheriff Garris is broken in half (!) by Jason.

75:00 Looks like Jason is actually going after the kids now. Is he going to kill them? This seems really out of character for him.

76:21 Never understood the bit with the rock and drowning Jason in Crystal Lake. Tommy originally said that Jason had to be cremated and now he says he has to be drowned in the lake he came from. Sounds me like Tommy is making this sh*t up as he goes along.

77:00 Though not credited as a stuntman, C.J. Graham did all his own Jason stunts in the film, including being yanked by wires during gunshot scenes and being set on fire in the climactic scene.

78:12 Thom Matthews (Tommy) reminds me of Michael Dudikoff. Speaking of which, what the hell ever happened to Michael Dudikoff?

80:00 Using a rock and chain, Tommy sends Jason to a watery grave. Megan finishes Jason off by using an outboard motor to rip his throat out. Graphic.

82:00 JASON LIVES was the first and only Friday flick to feature absolutely no nudity.

83:25 Last shot reveals Jason is still alive …as if we didn’t already know that.

84:00 The original script contained material that alluded to Jason's father, which, to date, remains the closest the series has ever come to shedding some light on the mysterious character. In the script, Pamela's headstone was next to Jason's; a reference to the fact that somebody paid to have Jason buried, which would explain why he wasn't cremated as the mayor said in A NEW BEGINNING; and a final scene in which Jason's father visits his son's grave, seemingly aware of the fact that Jason is not inside. These scenes were never filmed, but they made it into the film's novelization.

THE VERDICT

I’ve always been on the fence when it comes to JASON LIVES. Definitely dig the attempts by director Tom McLaughlin to spice things up with some stylish direction and wicked humor, but the lack of blood and boobs left me cold. Throw into that some seriously unlikable characters (I absolutely loathed Sheriff Garris and his dumbass deputy) and some serious plot holes (I’m still trying to figure out why Tommy dug up Jason in the first place) and it’s pretty easy to see why I’m not as crazy about this one as much as the other Friday fans. Three out of six hockey masks.

THE PLOT

Lar Park Lincoln stars as Tina Shepard, a teenager with uncontrolled telekinetic powers. As a girl vacationing at Camp Crystal Lake, Tina killed her abusive father with the use of her mental abilities. Years later, seeking intensive counseling from manipulative, greedy psychologist Dr. Crews (Terry Kiser), Tina agrees to participate in a radical therapy that takes her back to Camp Crystal Lake.

Unfortunately, Tina's psychic skills rouse the slumbering Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder) from his watery grave and, in typically bloody fashion, the vengeful spook begins dispatching the randy teenagers partying in a house nearby. As Tina attempts to stop Jason's slaughter with the use of her powers, the mass-murdering ghoul encounters his toughest opponent yet.

THE RUNDOWN

00:03 First appearance of the new Paramount logo. Well, the new for 1987 Paramount logo.

00:48 Cool opening. A gravelly-voiced Irish narrator (Walt Gorney, the veteran actor who played Crazy Ralph in the first two Friday flicks) drops the legend of Jason as a montage of kills and memorable moments from the previous installments (save for the original and A NEW BEGINNING since they didn't actually feature Jason) play out…

02:26 …then the full recap of the finale of JASON LIVES kicks in. First Friday flick since THE FINAL CHAPTER to use to the “let’s recycle footage to pad out the runtime trick”.

03:00 THE NEW BLOOD marks the first appearance of Kane Hodder as Jason.

03:33 John Carl Buechler was so impressed with Kane Hodder when he ate live worms on the set of PRISON, that he pushed for Paramount Pictures to let him cast Hodder in the role of Jason. If it had not been for Buechler's persistence, the role of Jason Voorhees would have been reprised by C.J. Graham.

04:00 Intense opening credits. Pulsing metal beat kicked off with a glowing hockey mask. Not sure if I’m rocking a killer buzz or what but I’m really feeling these credits.

05:33 Young Tina reminds me of Carol Anne from POLTERGIEST.

06:53 Young Tina drowns her abusive father using her CARRIE-esque telekinetic abilities.

07:22 Flash forward twelve years, young Tina is all grown up and the year is (according to Friday fan sites) 2000. I seriously have to quit trying to understand the chronology of these movies.

10:58 Dr. Crews (Kiser of WEEKEND AT BERNIES infamy) shouldn’t push Tina to use her abilities by screaming at her. That never seems to end well. Didn’t he see CARRIE? Push a telekinetic and she’ll burn down the high school gymnasium and everyone in it.

13:00 Another Friday sex scene with no nudity. I’m noticing a disturbing trend here. I better see some gratuitous nudity soon or I’m going to be very disappointed.

14:25 Gratuitous flashback to something the audience literally saw ten minutes ago.

15:24 Can somebody explain to me why Tina just resurrected Jason using her telekinetic powers? Don’t argue that she didn’t do it intentionally because she clearly did. May have thought it was resurrecting her dead father but even that would’ve ended badly.

19:40 Jane (Staci Greason) has a tent spike rammed into her neck.

21:00 Jason chucks the same spike he used to kill Jane into Michael’s spine.

21:20 William Butler, the actor who plays Mike, has been cinematically killed by both Jason and Leatherface. Butler also appeared in a few episodes of FREDDY’S NIGHTMARES thus connecting him to the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET franchise.

22:22 Speaking of Freddy, this film was originally intended to bring Jason Voorhees and him together on-screen for the first time. But when Paramount Pictures (at that time was holding the rights to the FRIDAY franchise) and New Line Cinema (who holds the rights to the NIGHTMARE series) couldn't agree behind the scenes, the script was rewritten to pit Jason up against the telekinetic Tina instead.

24:39 Tina’s mother, Amanda, has one of the worst haircuts I’ve ever seen. Looks like a mullet that has been permed to death.

27:00 Dan’s spine is ripped out and his neck snapped by Jason.

28:00 Jason takes Judy, trapped in her sleeping bag, and slams her against a tree. Scene works despite being horrifically truncated. Used to be six hits against the tree instead of just one. Either way, the sleeping bag is kill is one of the best in the entire series.

29:00 Director John Carl Buechler has publicly fumed many times over the years about the number of edits required by the MPAA to avoid an "X" rating. The film had to be submitted nine times to the Motion Picture Association of America before being granted an "R" rating, and it stands as arguably the most heavily censored entry in the FRIDAY franchise.

30:00 Kane Hodder said he had difficulty with the scene where he kills the camper in the sleeping bag by bashing her into the tree because the dummy inside was heavier than he thought it would be. The scene required a number of retakes because he kept swinging as hard as he could but no matter how hard he swung the sleeping back he couldn't get it to look right. By the final take, he was so fed up with the situation that after he dropped the bag he kicked it angrily. This is the shot that appears in the final film. In retrospect, Hodder said that was one of his favorite "kills" and he later recreates it in JASON X.

32:02 Tina is easily the blandest “Final Girl” yet. Too whiny and kinda boring. Only thing she has going for her is the fact that she’s about to lay a psychic smackdown on big bad Jason.

36:45 Finally some gratuitous nudity! Sandra (Heidi Kozak) goes full nude for a little midnight skinny-dip.

37:24 Russell takes an axe to the face.

38:00 Jason pulls Sandra into the lake and drowns her.

40:00 Really digging the look of Jason in this installment. He’s mucked up and grimy -- looks like he really spent the last decade at the bottom of the lake. Dig the chains. Very Universal old-school monster movie feel.

43:00 Crews discovers a bloody spike and the dead body of Mike and yet says nothing to anyone. Dude actually finds time to argue with Amanda over the treatment of Tina rather than alerting her to the presence of a killer. WTF?

45:14 Psychic vision of Amanda getting a spike to the spine. Not a technical kill, but definitely a visual one.

46:55 Despite having a telekinetic blonde and a fantastic-looking Jason, THE NEW BLOOD is really boring.

48:02 Amazing scream queen moment from nerdy Maddy (Diana Barrows). Had I had the volume up high, I’m sure the neighbors would’ve called the cops.

49:49 Maddy takes a sickle to the chest.

50:50 Three nudity-free sex scenes in a row. Why?!?!?!?

52:42 Jason vertically crushes Ben’s skull.

53:20 Jason rams a party horn into Kate’s eye.

53:58 Ever noticed how the cue that pops up when a kill happens sounds a bit like a musical version of “Tada!”.

55:00 Some fantastic sideboob action from Robin. For three negative points there seems to be only one. Guess some boobage is better than none.

56:57 Harry Manfredini’s score is definitely more mature this time around. Not as abrasive as previous installments (the screeching violins were a little heavy in parts 2 and 4) and almost mainstream.

56:59 A quick glance at IMDB reveals that all of the Manfredini stuff was recycled (and remixed) from his previous Friday scores and the new bits present in THE NEW BLOOD were provided by composer Fred Mollin.

57:45 David gets a carving knife to the gut.

58:51 Tina discovers the newspaper articles about Jason that everybody in these movies seem to have. It’s almost as if the local papers only printed five articles about Jason and everybody has been recycling those same articles over and over and over again.

60:33 Is Tina telekinetic or clairvoyant? One minute she can move things, the next she can predict the future. Film can’t decide.

60:56 Eddie gets a machete to the neck. Man, the MPAA really censored the f**k out of all the kills. Eddie’s demise is so short and abrupt that it is almost off-screen.

63:41 Jumping cat scare!

64:30 That’s the worst fake head I’ve ever seen. Mama Voorhees head in parts 2 and 3 looked way better than this mess.

64:50 Jason tosses Robin through a window.

67:07 Holy hell, Crew basically feeds Amanda to Jason! What is this guy’s major malfunction?

67:08 Amanda is impaled with a large blade weapon thing. Not sure what it was but her demise certainly looked painful.

71:11 Crews is sliced in half by a tree saw …not that anyone can tell. Yet another grisly demise truncated by the MPAA.

72:33 Standard issue “Final Girl discovers the dead bodies of her friends” scene.

73:00 Jason attacks Tina and she goes all EVIL DEAD on him. Brings the woods to life to trap him and then electrifies the water he’s standing in. Impressive. Doesn’t seem to bother him too much, but still impressive.

75:25 Another cheap-looking decapitated head. As impressive as the Jason make-up is, you’d have thought director John Carl Bulcher would’ve put a little more time into the fake heads.

76:44 Man, this Melissa chick is a real bitch. Time for her to buy the farm.

77:09 Melissa is the recipient of the most impressive “axe to the face” kill yet.

79:04 YIKES! Tina uses her psychic abilities to break Jason’s mask and …well, it ain’t pretty. Dude is ten tons of ugly and I’m being nice with that. Definitely the most gruesome Jason face yet.

81:20 I believe this paragraph from Wikipedia describes the final battle between Jason and Tina perfectly: Tina continues to use her powers to keep Nick from being killed, eventually throwing Jason into the house basement. She douses him with gas and uses the furnace's fire to ignite it. She and Nick make their way to the docks just as the house goes up in an enormous explosion. Jason comes back and knocks Nick unconscious (not before he puts four bullets in him) and incapacitates Tina. Using her powers, she finally resurrects her father who wraps Jason's chains around him and pulls the killer back into the lake before Tina passes out.

83:42 For a guy who’s been rotting at the bottom of a lake for nearly ten years, Tina’s dad looks surprisingly well. Definitely better than Jason. The deleted scenes section of the Special Edition DVD reveals that dear old Dad was a lot more banged up in the original cut of the film.

84:00 Director John Carl Buechler stated that he clashed with associate producer Barbara Sachs continuously over many ideas that he had for the film. This included showing Jason unmasked for a quite a bit of the movie. She vetoed the idea, but he ended up going behind her back and filming it anyway. He also stated that the final sequence of Tina's father coming out of the water was to be more elaborate and feature full prosthetics and a life size dummy. That sequence was completely over ruled and he ended up filming what he considers an inferior version of the sequence.

85:00 Tina and Nick both survive. No disappearing Paul (from PART 2) trick here.

86:00 All of the unedited kill sequences from THE NEW BLOOD are available on the DVD release. Had they not been trimmed by the MPAA, this installment would’ve been the goriest Friday of the them all.

THE VERDICT

Love the Jason design director John Carl Buechler came up with here (best one in the entire franchise, IMO) and that’s about it. THE NEW BLOOD is a bit like watching a pilot for a Jason TV show that never came to be. All the kills are neutered, the acting is strictly soap opera stuff and the characters are all embarrassingly one-dimensional. And yeah, I get this is Friday flick and that I shouldn’t be expecting anything remotely resembling real characters …but this is ridiculous. When Jason is the most compelling character in your Friday sequel, that’s a dead giveaway that you’ve got serious script problems. Two out of six hockey masks.

THE PLOT

This time around, unstoppable supernatural thug Jason Voorhees -- imprisoned at the bottom of a lake by his telekinetic foe Tina in the previous film -- is reanimated yet again after being goosed by an underwater electrical cable, freeing him to stow away aboard a shipload of standard-issue obnoxious teenagers en route to Manhattan.

The title ultimately proves a bit of a cheat, since the majority of Jason's homicidal hijinks take place aboard the ship until the film's final reel, during which he pursues a handful of survivors through the streets of the Big Apple.

THE RUNDOWN

00:01 Weird variation of the “ki-ki-ki-ma-ma-ma” theme using Jason’s name kicks off the movie. I see what director Rob Hedden was going for but it doesn’t work.

00:46 Speaking of not working, the opening credits being set over random shots of New York City and foreshadowing events that will take place WAY later in the film is a strange creative decision. Liked the song and font, but these aren’t the credits I’m used to when I see a Friday flick. We’re eight movies in and NOW they decide to change things up? What‘s the point?

01:11 The original posters for the film featured Jason ripping through an "I Love NY" poster. In the first poster, Jason is holding a bloody knife which was cleaned in a second poster for fear that the blood was too graphic. However, both posters were dropped following a complaint from the New York Tourism Committee.

02:00 This was the last Friday flick to be produced and distributed by Paramount, due to declining box office returns. Subsequent entries were handled by New Line Cinema.

03:00 Hey look, Camp Crystal Lake! Too bad the appearance doesn’t make any sense since JASON LIVES established that the town was now named Forest Green and THE NEW BLOOD showed the camp had been torn down and replaced by lake homes. Still, it’s nice to see the old camp. Wonder if the inclusion of it means the last two films were retconned? Probably not. I’m nearly twelve hours into this run and my brain is getting a little bamboozled.

04:14 We’re four minutes in and already hit with some nakedness from Jim and Suzi. Yay! Already a step up from JASON LIVES and THE NEW BLOOD.

05:00 Jason is resurrected from his watery grave because the boat anchor dredged up a power line and electrified the lake? Strange, but I guess it works. Certainly better than that time Freddy was resurrected by flaming dog piss.

08:26 Fake Jason scare! Jim dresses up as the big guy, scares Suzi a bit and guarantees he won’t be getting any tonight.

09:56 Jim gets a harpoon gun (not the harpoon itself) to the stomach and has his guts ripped out by Jason.

11:33 Suzi gets a harpoon to the chest.

15:15 Seems to be a lot of familial conflict in this picture. Rennie (Jensen Daggett) is having problems with her uncle Charles (Peter Mark Richman), Sean (Scott Robertson) is having trouble with his father (Warren Munson).

15:49 Jason rides the boat he stole earlier all the way into the harbor and sneaks aboard the cruise ship. As far as the Jason mythos goes, this makes absolutely no sense. Jason has always either been at Crystal Lake or is in the process of making his way there. Why, oh why, would he want to sneak aboard a ship heading to New York City?

16:30 The new Crazy Ralph (a deckhand played by Alex Diakun) makes an appearance.

17:28 Why would a bunch of students take a cruise ship from Crystal Lake, New Jersey to New York City? Couldn’t they just drive?

19:23 Rocker chick J.J. (Saffron Henderson) seems cool. Too bad she’s the first to go. Third technically. Forgot about the two in the opener. Getting kinda sleepy and this flick is pretty boring so far.

22:25 J.J’s head is smashed in with her own electric guitar.

23:56 Rennie is haunted by visions of young Jason …or someone I assume is young Jason because the actor they hired to play him in this film looks absolutely nothing like the actor who portrayed him in the original film. Original Jason was some kind of a deformed mongoloid creature. This new Jason looks like a normal kid..

26:12 Uh oh, cocaine usage. You know what that means, somebody is about to die. My money is on future SCORPION KING star Kelly Hu. Might be standard issue bitch Tamara (Sharlene Martin). One of these two is about to die.

30:00 I was wrong. Some random boxer gets a hot rock jammed into his chest by Jason while in the sauna. The deleted scenes section on the DVD reveals Jason originally stabbed the random boxer in the eyes with darts.

31:15 Semi-normal, definitely not-deformed Jason attempts to drag Rennie to a watery grave. Don’t you just hate it when ghostly apparitions try to drown you?

32:00 In the scene where Jason reaches through the porthole and grabs Rennie, Jensen Daggett was reportedly really terrified. Her face was just inches from a large and very sharp piece of glass that had become stuck in the window frame, and the actor who played Jason was (unknowingly) pulling her towards it.

33:39 Rennie is having visions of blood water and …oh look, kid Jason is a little deformed now. Definitely not as f**ked up as he was in the original but certainly a little more messed up than he was five minutes ago.

35:12 Little bit of skin courtesy of Tamara and an ingenious way to complete a biology report.

38:42 Tamara gets fully naked moments before Jason stabs her to death with a mirror shard.

39:00 This flick is spending too much time on the damn cruise ship. We’re nearly forty minutes in and haven’t seen NYC. Movie is supposed to be about Jason taking Manhattan not Jason taking a leisurely cruise with a bunch high school kids.

40:39 Jim Carlson (Fred Henderson) is stabbed in the back.

41:00 Admiral Robertson’s throat is slit.

44:29 Julius (V.C. Dupree) cracks me up. Dude clearly thinks he’s a badass (shows off during a boxing match early on) and is quick with a punchline (“School is out, McCulloch” and “I‘m not taking nothing …but this gun!”) but his big plan is to separate and hunt Jason down individually. Idiot. Just get into one of the life rafts and head back to shore.

48:30 Eva is choked to death.

50:00 AV nerd Wayne keeps his big-ass video camera at his side even when hunting Jason. Are you kidding me? Put the camera down and focus on what is important, kid!

51:07 The new Jason make-up is definitely a step down from THE NEW BLOOD.

51:30 Wayne is thrown into the generator and explodes. To be more specific …his crotch explodes (not kidding) the the rest of him then the ship catches fire.

54:40 Miles (Gordon Currie) is impaled on the ship’s radio antenna.

55:34 Rennie has another young Jason flashback before old Jason attempts to strangle her to death. New Jason design seems more moist than gory. Really don’t like it at all. Why couldn’t they just stick with the design used in the last one?

59:12 New deckhand model Crazy Ralph just got an axe to the back.

60:00 Five students die off-screen as the below deck restaurant floods.

61:23 Julius pulls an LL Cool J move and resurrects himself after appearing to be dead. Gotta wonder how many people died when the ship sunk. Twenty? Thirty? Maybe more? Movie never clearly states how many people were on-board in the first place so it could’ve possibly been dozens if not hundreds.

62:00 Upon spotting the Statue Of Liberty and realizing they’ve made it to NYC, Julius breaks into song with the Sinatra standard “New York, New York”. Dude, almost all of your friends just burned or drown to death on that ship you just escaped and a hockey mask-wearing psycho is tailing you. Is this really the best time to break into f**king song?

63:41 Yay, the gang finally made it to New York City. Or so we think they have. Only the scene in Times Square and some of the exterior city shots were actually filmed in NYC. All the other scenes were done on sound stages and in Vancouver doubling for the Big Apple.

63:55 Writer/Director Rob Hedden originally wrote more of the movie to be set in New York. He had written scenes at Madison Square Garden, the Brooklyn Bridge, and the Empire State Building. But Paramount told him that budget would not allow him to spend that much time in New York, so he was forced to rewrite the film and spend more time on the cruise ship. Hedden says he agrees with fans who complain that not enough time is spent in New York, given the title is JASON TAKES MANHATTAN.

64:00 Jason has a nice moment with a hockey equipment billboard.

65:20 Two minutes in NYC and the group is mugged and Rennie kidnapped by junkies. I hate when that happens.

67:02 McCulloch’s response to his niece being kidnapped is to split up and not call the cops. Um…okay?

67:52 Kidnappers immediately inject Rennie with heroin. Boy, I really hate it when I travel to the big city, get kidnapped by junkies and am immediately forced to do heroin. What is this flick? The Jeremy London Story?

68:52 Jason stabs Junkie/Kidnapper #1 in the spine with his heroin needle and smashes #2 into a steaming hot pipe. The he lets Rennie get away. Strange. Wonder if he has a thing for her or something. They do share a psychic connection. Maybe Jason is about to get a girlfriend?

70:00 Seriously though, what is with the Rennie/Jason psychic connection?

71:10 Julius boxes Jason Voorhees. This sequence is almost as bad as the one in HALLOWEEN RESURRECTION when Busta Rhymes kickboxes Michael Myers.

72:36 Jason uppercuts Julius so hard that his head pops right off.

74:40 Love the New York cop’s Canadian accent. Dead giveaway that this was filmed in Canada.

75:00 Canuck NYC Cop is killed off-screen by Jason.

75:49 Young Jason definitely looks like the original young Jason now.

76:00 Rennie accidentally murders her teacher Colleen by crashing a cop car into a brick wall…

77:03 …and what’s with the odd placement of the flashback explaining Rennie’s fear of water? Jason just killed a cop and is clearly in the area, her teacher is burning to ash mere feet away and Rennie stops to have a three minute flashback.

81:00 McCulloch is drown in a vat of sewage. Ick.

81:50 Good lord, Rennie and Sean stop to have yet another personal flashback moment and a tiny make-out session. Do these two not realize that Jason is still alive and after them? Quit f**king around and get to a police station!

83:33 Missed opportunity by the filmmakers to not have Jason murdering everyone on that subway as he chases after Rennie and Sean. Could’ve been the greatest FRIDAY massacre ever.

84:38 Whoops, Jason touched the third rail. That had to hurt.

85:25 Times Square. Rennie and Sean finally make to the real Big Apple and there’s only six minutes left in the film. You’ve got to be kidding me.

86:00 Kane Hodder says that one of the most fun parts of his tenure as Jason was the scenes in Times Square. He says that spectators were lined up and down the block watching the filming, and he didn't want to take off the mask to destroy their illusion of Jason. He said that every once in awhile, he'd turn his head and look at them, and watch them all go crazy.

87:13 Pretty sure that was the Fresh Price (aka Will Smith) playing on that boombox Jason just punted. I know IMDB says I’m wrong but it sure sounded like him. And quick question, why does Jason let the punks who threaten him live? I know him lifting his mask and scaring them off is for a good laugh, but the real Jason would’ve turned those guys into mincemeat. Just saying.

90:00 Jason hurls a short order cook into a wall. The cook was played by stuntman Ken Kerzinger who would later play Jason in FREDDY VS JASON.

91:34 This whole flick is one big missed opportunity. Jason spends the entire time chasing after these two teens instead of carving a swath through the denizens of NYC.

92:44 Nice guy Sanitation Worker has his head smashed in with a wrench for trying to help our heroes and for dropping a nice bit of insane info about how the NYC sewers supposedly fill up with toxic waste every night. Huh?

94:04 Speaking of toxic waste, Rennie just melted Jason’s face by using a bucket of some.

95:20 Did Jason just start puking water and call out for his mommy? And what’s the deal with the random bolts of lightning? And if Jason iscompletely dissolved by all that toxic waste and turned back into a little boy, how come he’s back to normal Jason mode in the next film? Better yet, how did he make it back to Crystal Lake from NYC? So many questions, so few answers.

96:00 Rennie and Sean wander around Times Square to make good use of the one day of actual NYC location shooting. Man, I hate this movie.

THE VERDICT

Back when I was teenager, I used to love JASON TAKES MANHATTAN. Thought it was the best Friday sequel of them all and watched it any time it was on cable or USA (which used to have Friday marathons pretty frequently back in the day). Revisiting it, I’ve got to wonder what the hell I was thinking back then. I mean, seriously, this is low point for the franchise. Even the body-swapping Jason flick and the reboot are better than this one. There’s a few scraps of okay stuff here (Daggett is easy on the eyes and a few of the kills are okay) and there, but this is definitely the one you can skip during your personal Jason-a-thon. One out of six hockey masks.

THE PLOT

Jason Voorhees, the living, breathing essence of evil, is back for one fierce, final fling. Tracked down and blown to bits by a special FBI task force, everyone now assumes that he's finally dead. But everyone assumes wrong. Jason has been reborn with the bone-chilling ability to assume the identity of anyone he assumes. The terrifying truth is he could be anywhere. Or anybody. In this shocking, blood-soaked finale to Jason's carnage-ridden of terror, the horrible secret of his unstoppable killing instinct is finally revealed.

THE RUNDOWN

00:07 Got so used to seeing the Paramount logo so much that it threw me off a bit to see the logo from new Jason owners New Line. And so begins the experimental phase of Jason’s film life.

01:00 Even when I saw this in theaters back in 1993, I knew this wasn’t going to be “The Final Friday”. There’s never going to be a final one. There will always be a sequel, reboot, remake, premake, midquel or something just waiting on the horizon to summon Jason Voorhees back to life.

03:43 It’s simultaneously awesome and annoying that this flick doesn’t bother explaining how Jason made his way out of that NYC sewer and back to Crystal Lake. I like to think that JASON TAKES MANHATTAN has been retconned out of existence and this is a direct sequel to THE NEW BLOOD.

04:23 Little bit o’ sideboob and an ass shot courtesy of Elizabeth Marcus (Julie Michaels).

05:20 Jason (Kane Hodder) appears! Dude is looking pretty rough this time around. Like maybe the birds have been feeding on his brain a little or something. Might want to wash those wounds out before they get infected, buddy.

06:00 Seems that nubile young lass we’ve been watching for the last six minutes is actually an undercover FBI agent. Interesting.

06:29 Nine movies in and the Feds are finally called in to take Jason down. It’s about time. Few hundreds rounds and two mortar blasts later, Jason is reduced to nothing more than a pile of steaming organs and a still-beating black heart.

07:00 There was a comic book that bridged the gap between JASON TAKES MANHATTAN and this film. It followed Jason after he was dipped in toxic waste in a New York City sewer, and his killing spree all the way back to Camp Crystal Lake. It also explains why the FBI has a task force specifically for Jason.

08:00 Opening credits are intercut with Jason’s body being examined at the morgue. I've always dug these credits. Feels like the director and studio want to establish early on that this isn't going to be your average Friday flick.

08:30 Kane Hodder cameos as a nameless FBI agent. Does this mean Jason will actually dispatch of the man who plays Jason? Yes. Yes, it does.

10:28 Ten minutes in and we’ve already had more gore than the last three Friday flicks combined. Good sign.

12:56 Just because Jason’s heart is twice the size of a normal heart doesn’t mean he’s like the Grinch.

14:14 Why, oh why, is the coroner (Richard Gant) eating Jason’s still-beating heart? Did it possess him? Did it entice him in by looking delicious and chewy? Did he forget to take a Subway break at lunch and figure nobody would notice a missing body part or two? Just a confusing gesture from a guy who is clearly now possessed by the spirit of Jason Voorhees.

15:00 And yeah, I just said possessed. If you thought Baghead Jason, Jason Blue and Supernatural Jason were weird, wait till you see Body-Hopping Slug Demon Jason.

16:44 The wise-cracking assistant Coroner (played by screenwriter Dean Lorey) gets a probe to the skull from Coroner Jason.

17:13 Two FBI agents murdered off-screen.

19:33 What’s this BS that bounty hunger Creighton Duke (Steven Williams) is slinging about Jason? I’ve seen eight Friday flicks back-to-back now and I can tell you that he isn’t some body-hopping demon slug.

22:56 Man, Duke is in town less than two minutes and he’s already causing trouble. And he’s al …hey, wait a second, did Duke just say that Diana (Erin Gray) was Jason’s half-sister? When the hell did that happen? And has she been living in Crystal Lake the entire time? Ah man, I feel another “question-heavy, answer-lite” Friday flick coming on.

25:10 Forgot John D LeMay from the FRIDAY THE 13th: THE SERIES was in this flick. Nice that the filmmakers connected the series to the movies. Too bad he couldn’t have played the same character from the show …though if I remember correctly, his character ultimately (thanks to a curse) reverted back to a child.

26:00 In case you haven’t seen FRIDAY THE 13th: THE SERIES, it was a show that centered around two antique store owners tasked with recovering cursed artifacts. Had the series went past three seasons, the final artifact was going to be Jason’s hockey mask …thus explaining why the series was titled FRIDAY THE 13th in the first place.

27:08 Three random campers get naked, skinny dip, smoke weed and have sex at Camp Crystal Lake. At this point, I’m pretty sure you already know what is going to happen to them.

28:00 The entire Camp Crystal Lake sequence was shot way after primary filming had wrapped in an effort to beef up the kill quota for the flick.

30:00 Alexis is slashed to death by Coroner Jason.

30:27 Ladies get some lingering shots of Male Camper’s bare ass. Enjoy.

31:44 Tossing that condom just cost you your life, Sexy Camper Girl.

32:49 This is probably the most graphic sex scene in the entire franchise. Director Adam Marcus is really making it up to fans after the last three Friday entries went light with the blood and tits.

33:33 Deborah is split in half with a signpost by Coroner Jason.

34:00 Luke is murdered off-screen.

35:00 I’ve never really been sure what to think about the whole “Jason has a half-sister” thing. I guess it’s cool that the filmmakers were attempting to expand his bloodline and make it more HALLOWEEN-esque or something, but it just doesn’t work. You don’t start introducing family connections nine movies in.

36:33 Waitress Edna has her head slammed into a car door.

37:12 Um …Coroner Jason just stripped some random cop naked, tied him up, shaved him then gave him a big sloppy kiss. This is easily the most awkward scene of the entire franchise …if not all-time.

38:58 Dig that funky trick that has the reflection of whoever Jason has possessed revealing his true self. Guess director Adam Marcus had to figure out a way to fit the actual Jason into the movie somewhere.

40:30 First appearance of demon slug Jason.

40:50 Cop Jason (the naked guy possessed earlier) just tossed a knife sharpener into Diana’s spine.

41:51 Jason, even in bodies other than his own, is one tough bastard. Sustained a bullet to the brain, a fireplace poker to the chest and a fall out a window and never broke his stride.

42:12 Gratuitous visual homage to the last shot of HALLOWEEN.

44:59 Sheriff Landis? Wonder if that’s a nod to John Landis, director of AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON and INNOCENT BLOOD.

46:45 Less than a day in jail and Duke is already causing trouble. Doubt highly that the police are going to be okay with him cracking fingers for info while on the inside. And seriously, what is up with Steven letting him do it? F**k that noise. You either tell me what I want to know or you sit there and keep quiet. You don’t get to break my fingers, buddy.

50:50 “Through a Voorhees was he born... through a Voorhees may he be reborn... and only by the hands of a Voorhees will he die.”

50:51 Say what?!?

52:25 Flick has a nice “everybody knows everybody in this little town” vibe going. Like the fact that Steven knows Officer Randy and he knows Jessica who had Steven’s baby and is confused because Steven is now being accused of the death her mother who happens to be Jason’s half-sister.

54:19 Oh my holy sweet Jebus, did Vicki just leave a baby unattended in a cardboard box on top of a shelf in the back room of a greasy diner? What the hell is wrong with this woman?

55:30 Dramatic shot of the Voorhees home in three, two, one…

56:09 Steven is immediately attacked by a sewing board upon entering the home. Oooh, scary…

56:48 Yep, that’s the Necronomicon just sitting on a shelf in the Voorhees home. The copy featured is a prop created by Tom Sullivan for THE EVIL DEAD and EVIL DEAD II. Sam Raimi sent a letter asking Sullivan to forgive him for not asking permission to borrow Sullivan's Evil Dead II props for this film. Tom Sullivan said he was not paid and would never again loan out props without granting permission.

59:00 Sleazy tabloid reporter Robert Campbell (Steven Culp) is the newest recipient of the demon Jason slug. This man-on-man kissing stuff in this flick is really odd for the Friday series. Hell, men puking demon slugs into each other’s mouths would be odd even in any horror pic.

59:40 Paul, once demon Jason has evacuated his body, dissolves into a puddle of goo.

61:00 Jessica shows a little bit of skin and …cries in the shower? Not exactly a fun nude scene.

64:00 Tabloid reporter Jason was just run over (twice) by a car.

65:44 “Out past the Myers place?”. Another HALLOWEEN reference! Yay!

67:45 Officer Ryan (Madelon Curtis) is face-planted into a locker.

68:00 Steven just put eight bullets into Tabloid Reporter Jason’s chest and one into his brainpan. Nice grouping, Steve-O.

68:35 Officers Mark and Brian’s heads are smashed together.

69:00 Steven and Jessica head to the diner to rescue the baby.

70:41 Cool Raimi-esque tracking shot as bullet zings through the diner and into the fuse box.

70:50 Ward’s arm is broken in two. I’m going to assume he dies from his wounds since he‘s basically left in the street screaming.

71:08 Tabloid Reporter Jason mangles a random Diner Patron.

71:23 Another nameless Patron has his face accidentally blown off by a shotgun-wielding Vicki (!).

72:16 Joey (Rusty Schwimmer) has her face smashed in and Shelby (Leslie Jordan) is dipped into a deep fryer by Tabloid Reporter Jason.

73:00 Vicki impaled on a spike and her head is crushed. This kill is the goriest one in the film. A fountain of blood and brain matter actually erupts from the top of her head as Tabloid Reporter Jason squeezes it.

74:00 The shot with Jessica in front of the emergency light literally screams “FILM SCHOOL”.

76:16 Jesus, Duke! Did you just throw a knife to a woman holding a baby? What the hell is wrong with you?

76:17 Yep, that dagger is from EVIL DEAD II also. The most expensive shot in the movie is the transformation scene where Jessica catches it.

77:11 Little bit of mystery about which cop demon slug Jason jumped into here. Would’ve been a cool twist had director Marcus not cheated with the reveal. More on that in a second…

78:30 There’s the cheat. Deputy Randy just spoke. As in, possessed-by-Jason Deputy Randy actually just spoke. That means this scene is the first (and only) time in the entire series that Jason has actually said anything outside of “Mommy!” at the end of JASON TAKES MANHATTAN and “Mommy!” when he was drowning in the original film.

78:47 Jessica shoots Sheriff Landis thinking he’s Jason.

79:19 Steven decapitates Randy Jason with a machete.

79:33 First full appearance of demon slug Jason. Man, that thing is ugly.

79:37 The workprint version of JASON GOES TO HELL features a scene where the demon slug turns into a full-sized creature that attacks our heroes. For reasons not entirely clear, the scene was cut and not included on the DVD release or in the unrated cut of the film.

80:13 Random cameo by “The Crate” from CREEPSHOW.

80:32 Did demon slug Jason just crawl into Diana’s dead body through her vagina? Yikes.

81:05 Jason’s back!

81:23 Why is Duke pretending like he knows Jason? Did I miss something? Is Jason supposed to know this guy? I get that I’m operating on pure adrenaline and Irish coffee at this point but I’m sure the movie did NOT establish a proper connection between these two.

81:24 In the audio commentary to the DVD, it is revealed that the script at one point had it that Jason slew Duke's girlfriend.

81:32 Jason snaps Duke’s spine.

82:09 Cameo appearance by the jungle gym featured in Alfred Hitchcock’s THE BIRDS.

83:12 Jason bops Steven with a shovel to the face. Ouch.

84:09 Jessica stabs Jason through the heart with the sacred dagger …and I’m not real sure what happens next. There’s light streaming down from Heaven and some hands from Hell. The hands drag Jason down while the light keeps him trapped. Is the implication here that God and the Devil just teamed up to take down Jason Voorhees? Wow.

84:35 The workprint featured demons (similar to the ones in the finale of FREDDY’S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE) dragging Jason to Hell rather than giant hands.

84:45 Jessica delays saving Steven (who’s being drug into Hell by Jason) just a little too long. Like maybe she’s debating on whether she wants to or not.

85:00 Released around the time of the film, there was a three-issue comic adaptation of JASON GOES TO HELL written by Andy Mangels and published by Topps Comics. As the comics are based upon the original shooting script of the film, elements that were left out of the film are used in them.

87:33 Freddy Kruger’s hand pops up from Hell and retrieves Jason’s hockey mask. What a nice guy.

88:00 In 1994, four young adult novels (MOTHER’S DAY, JASON’S CURSE, THE CARNIVAL and ROAD TRIP) were released and served as direct sequels to JASON GOES TO HELL. These stories focused on different people finding Jason′s mask and becoming possessed by his spirit.

THE VERDICT

Friday fans will probably disagree with me on this one, but I think JASON GOES TO HELL is one of the better sequels in the franchise. After the clusterf*ck that was JASON TAKES MANHATTAN, New Line had to do something different and they did. Of course, going with a body hopping sci-fi angle was a bit out there and mixing in liberal doses of man-on-man action was pretty f**king bizarre but I dig it. It’s face-paced, loaded with gore, packed with likable characters (a rarity for this series) and tons of fun. Too bad New Line didn’t stick with the whole demonic Jason thing further. Might’ve lead to some crazy ass sequels that might’ve topped this one in terms of sheer ridiculousness. Five out of six hockey masks.

THE PLOT

Banished to Hell for eternity, Freddy Kruger (Robert Englud) devises a plan to manipulate Jason (Ken Kerzinger) into continuing his bloody work, hacking up the teenagers of Elm Street. All goes well at first until Jason realizes he's been duped by "The Dream Master" and is none too pleased. Coaxed by surviving teenagers Will (Jason Ritter), Lori (Monica Keena), and Kia (Kelly Rowland), Jason and Freddy descend upon Crystal Lake for a mano a mano battle royale.

THE RUNDOWN

00:00 Decided to skip the technical order and going chronological. JASON X might be the next film technically, but FREDDY VS JASON is the next one chronologically …at least as far as Jason is concerned. Not real sure where this flick appears in the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET mythos.

00:10 Sweet music merging of the Freddy and Jason themes. Love it.

00:48 Should I count the dream kills? Yeah, sure, why not? Freddy murders a little girl off-screen with his signature glove.

01:49 Instead of a recap of the Jason series, we get one for Freddy.

02:52 A nubile young female counselor strips down for our viewing pleasure. We also get a first look at the new Camp Crystal Lake. Well, the dream version of it that exists in Jason’s mind.

03:00 First appearance of Ken Kerzinger’s Jason.

04:13 This is one slick movie. Hiring director Ronnie Yu (THE BRIDE WITH WHITE HAIR) was a good call by New Line. Dude has already shown off more style than all of the previous Friday directors thus far and he’s managed to make Freddy scary again. Impressive.

05:00 Heather is pinned to a tree by Jason’s machete.

05:31 Mama Voorhees returns! Totally forgot about that. Too bad Betsy Palmer couldn’t be coaxed into making a comeback. Actress Paula Shaw does a good job though. Reminds me a bit of Janet Leigh.

06:16 Freddy is using the image of Mama Voorhees to control Jason. Interesting. Guess they had to figure out a way to get the big guy to Elm street.

07:12 Nancy’s old house, 1428 Elm Street, makes a cameo appearance.

08:00 After more than fifteen years of off-and-on development, and approximately $6 million spent on eighteen unused scripts from more than a dozen screenwriters, New Line finally produced Freddy vs. Jason for 2003. One of the biggest hurdles for the film was developing a story that managed to bring the two horror icons together. Potential stories varied widely, from 2 different drafts: 1 was titled "The Millennium Massacre" where Freddy was revealed to at one time be a counselor at Camp Cristal Lake and molested Jason as a child, and another dealt to a cult called the "Fred Heads" who were going to sacrifice this little girl to Freddy and the older sister puts her dead boyfriend's heart in Jason's body to fight Freddy and rescue the younger sister.

09:28 Kelly Rowland’s Kia is already grating on my nerves.

10:43 Douchebag Trey gives GINGER SNAPS star Katharine Isabelle lip. Dude, you better watch it that. That gal will turn into a werewolf and eat you alive!

12:13 All the music cues are dialed to 11 for this installment. Giving me a bit of a headache considering I’ve been up for over sixteen hours now watching Friday flicks. I’m impressed that AngieBee has made it this far. Gal only slept through JASON TAKES MANHATTAN. I figured she would’ve conked out around PART 3 and woke up the second the reboot ended.

12:48 Gratuitous Isabelle shower scene!

13:19 Trey is stabbed repeatedly and is broken in half by Jason.

13:55 These girls are actually pretty smart. Instead of staying inside the house upon discovering one of their friends dead, they escape and immediately make contact with the police. Score one for semi-intelligent screenwriting.

16:06 Seems Freddy has been forgotten by the townsfolk of Springfield and all he needs to return is for one of the children living there now to remember him. Cool idea. Bit like a fairy tale.

17:16 Creepy ghost kid menaces “Final Girl” Lori in one of the patented ELM STREET dream sequences. First appearance of the “One, two, Freddy’s coming for you” nursery rhyme.

20:12 Both Blake and his dad are decapitated. That’s one way to quickly end a bloodline.

20:46 Hypnocil, the dream drug from A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: THE DREAM WARRIORS, makes a cameo appearance.

21:00 According to writer Mark Swift, producer Robert Shaye seemed a bit more interested in the Freddy side of things which made a huge elimination in their screenplay (and in the film) from the Crystal Lake/Jason side of things.

22:16 “Curt, how many times do I have to tell you I don’t do checkers. I’m a Uno guy. Now go and get the f*cking Uno deck and I’ll play with you.” That line cracks me up for some reason.

23:07 Mark (Brendan Fletcher) shows his ass …literally. Little bit for the ladies. Enjoy.

26:27 Kia is really annoying. Learn how to properly deploy your swear words.

27:02 Did New Line not think audiences would notice that Freeburg is the most obvious Jay (from CLERKS and DOGMA) clone ever?

28:56 Former head of New Line Bob Shayne clocks in a cameo as the principal of Lori’s high school.

30:00 Freddy dream slices Kia’s nose off. Kinda wish he was a little more powerful and had actually gotten rid of her. Film would be better without the Rowlands’ crappy acting.

31:03 Seems that the inhabitants of Springfield redacted Freddy from all the newspapers. An interesting idea that doesn’t quite work in the internet age. Nowadays, there’d be websites and entire groups devoted to studying Freddy. All it would take is one kid with wi-fi to find Freddy on the net and BOOM! The Gloved One is back, stronger than ever.

33:30 All the kids of Springfield get together and have a rave. Guess that would be the logical response to a brutal triple murder.

34:52 I like this Linderman (Chris Marquette) kid. Dude puts Kia in her place when she gives him shit for trying to console Lori.

37:28 Man, Trey is a douchebag even in the afterlife.

40:17 Date rape. Yay. Seems the Billy Idol wannabe can only get some when the girl is drunk and unconscious.

41:10 Friscell (Billy Idol wannabe) and Gibb (Isabelle) are double impaled with a spear.

42:14 Jason just twisted some random football player’s head off.

42:41 Jason, now on fire, chases some guy through a cornfield. If I saw that coming at me, I probably just sh*t myself and die. Maybe not in that order. All I know is that there would be sh*t and death, both courtesy of me.

43:00 Shack (Chris Gauthier) is gored with a flaming machete.

43:20 and 43:21 Six Ravers (and two beer kegs) are sliced and diced by Jason.

44:11 “Dude, that goalie was pissed about something.”

45:49 Will reveals that Lori’s Dad murdered her Mom. Yikes. Can’t say I was expecting that. Knew the Dad seemed creepy, but a murderer?

46:36 Lori looks good soaking wet. Just saying. Too bad, in real life, the actress playing her (Monica Keena) had to go an f**k her good looks up with tons of plastic surgery. Gal looks like a duck now. Quack.

47:00 It’s interesting that the kids think Jason is a Jason copycat killer and not the real thing.

48:41 Just realized that while this is clearly a Freddy movie with Jason in a supporting role, Jason seems to be getting all the kills.

51:00 Zack Ward clocks in a cameo appearance as Mark’s brother.

52:10 Mark is slashed and burned to death. Freddy scores a kill!

53:17 Sheriff Williams continues the grand Friday tradition of law enforcement officials who are completely oblivious to what is going on around them and are total assholes.

54:45 Officer Stubbs, in the original script, was intended to be Officer Jarvis. As in, Tommy Jarvis from THE FINAL CHAPTER, A NEW BEGINNING and JASON LIVES. Jason Bateman was cast in the role …but then script changes and delays forced him to bow out and the character to be dropped completely.

55:09 Wow. Will (Jason Ritter, son of John) figured out the entire plot of the movie in like two seconds. And where the hell did Lori get the whole “Freddy hates fire, Jason hates water” thing? That came out of nowhere.

56:13 Lori has mustered up some really impressive cleavage for this scene. Yay!

57:22 Actor Kyle Labine who plays Freeburg, was a teenage partygoer in HALLOWEEN RESURRECTION, making him the first person to appear in a Freddy, a Jason and a Michael Myers film.

58:16 Freeburg puts a point on the whole Jay clone thing by saying “Hey, let’s take a little Jay break” while rolling a doobie. Way to be subtle guys.

59:01 Rent-A-Cop gets a door to the face.

59:16 Great moment in D-Wing with the kids who overdosed on Hypnocil. Doesn’t make much sense as far as logical storytelling or reality goes, but the scene does have a nice creepy vibe. Creepy kids force me to pay attention and keep moving forward. Only two more movies after this…

60:23 CG caterpillar Freddy smokes up with Freeburg.

61:50 Deputy Stubbs is electrocuted by Jason.

62:00 Freeburg injects Jason with a sh*tload of Hypnocil.

63:33 Freeburg is bisected by Jason.

64:26 Jason enters the dream world of Freddy. Return appearance of Mama Voorhees. Jason lops off both of Freddy’s arms with a machete …which really doesn’t do much because this is the dream world. Two brawl for a few minutes and basically answer the prayers of those who’ve been wanting to see these two titans of chaos duke it out.

65:02 Standing six feet, five inches tall, Ken Kirzinger is the tallest actor to date to play Jason Voorhees.

67:00 Jason is afraid of …water? Since when? I know I’ve seen him in the water in at least three of the sequels, maybe four.

68:25 Little Jason returns!

69:12 Freddy pries into Jason’s brain a bit and discovers that, mentally, he still lives in that hobo shack from Part 2 and dreams about killing camp counselors who immediately apologize for their sins once dead.

70:18 Yu went crazy with the blue filters for this sequence. Giving me a bit of a headache. Doesn’t make much sense that Lori would be able to fall asleep and enter Jason’s dreams …but I guess I’m not supposed to be reading that far into this.

71:20 Boobs and a Freddy quip. Yay!

73:11 Jason is unmasked and Kia attempts to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation (!). Why, oh why, would anyone want to resurrect Jason? I don’t care if Freddy is killing folks or not but if you somehow manage to knock out Jason f**king Voorhees -- you burn the body. Douse him gas and light him up. Or bury him in wet cement. Or strap C-4 to his chest and turn him into a Roman Candle. Or decapitate him. What you don’t do is BRING HIM BACK TO LIFE!!!

74:32 Camp Crystal Lake has been turned into condos? Can’t imagine the rent is too high considering the history of the area.

75:07 Freddy stabs Lori’s mom. Implication seems to be that Freddy did it himself or possessed Lori’s dad into doing it …but neither way really works because I thought the entire town had forgotten about Freddy. If they did, then how exactly did he return two years ago to kill Lori’s mom? Plot hole!

76:00 Jason lives!

76:20 As creepy as this scene between Lori and Freddy is, I can help but notice how amazing her rack is. Crass of me, I know.

77:30 Freddy is dragged into the real world and the battle royale is on.

78:00 While filming the scene in the fiery cabin where Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees confront each other, actor Ken Kirzinger actually caught on fire. A stuntman for over twenty years, Kirzinger remained calm while stage hands rushed in with fire extinguishers to put him out.

78:25 Hate it when likable characters, like Linderman, bite the dust. Dude takes one for team (a spike to the back, to be specific) and dies a quiet death alone in the woods.

79:33 Freddy breaks the fourth wall for an oddly racist quip towards Kia. Freddy's "how sweet, dark meat" line is a variation on the line "how sweet, fresh meat" in A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4: THE DREAM MASTER.

80:28 Kia is slashed in half by Jason.

81:00 I never knew Freddy knew kung-fu.

82:47 Kinda dig how Jason is impaled with rebar and is having the living hell knocked out of him …but it doesn’t phase him. Also interesting is the fact that the big guy has basically become the pseudo-hero of the finale. He’s still killing people, but he’s mostly focusing his attention on Freddy.

84:44 Freddy and Jason are literally ripping, carving and tearing each other to pieces. Got to love the Grand Guignol of it all.

85:00 According to director Ronny Yu one of his Hong Kong film making styles he incorporated into this movie was using different camera speeds during the fight sequences in order to get the "action impact".

86:26 Largest Friday explosion yet. Entire dock and most of the lake bursts into flames, taking down both Freddy and Jason.

87:00 Nice tramp stamp, Lori. So much for you being a virginal and pure. Considering the budget for this flick (25mil), you’d have thought someone would’ve CG’d that thing off or something.

87:53 Freddy is impaled with own arm (!) by Jason and is then decapitated by Lori.

88:00 Nice abrupt ending. With both monsters dead, there’s no reason to go any further.

89:15 Oh look, Jason won. Or did he? We appear to be back in that dream world of his and the decapitated head of Freddy that he’s lugging around just winked at the audience. Does this mean that nobody won?

89:20 The original ending (included on the DVD) was a scene (set two months after the finale) in which Lori and Will begin to have sex for the first time. However, Will starts acting like a maniac and eventually sprouts a Freddy Krueger claw, then proceeds to slash at his girlfriend. Test audiences hated that the ending didn’t show who won the battle (we assume Freddy did) and thus it was cut.

THE VERDICT

More an action horror flick than a true horror, FREDDY VS JASON should satisfy anyone who’s been craving to see these two titans of chaos clash since the end of JASON GOES TO HELL. Take Kelly Rowlands and the bizarre “Jason hates water” plot point out of the picture and FVJ stands tall as the best New Line FRIDAY flick. Five out of six hockey masks.

THE PLOT

Early in the 21st century, Jason (Kane Hodder) has been subdued and is being experimented upon by army technocrats who hope to turn his supernatural invulnerability into a military application. Most of them meet a swift and bloody end when Jason escapes -- except Rowan (Lexa Doig), a beautiful functionary, who traps the killer in a cryogenic stasis chamber. Unfortunately, she takes a machete blow in the process, gets frozen herself, and wakes up on a spaceship in the year 2455.

Earth has long since been rendered uninhabitable, but the survivors include a group of archaeological students headed by Professor Lowe (Jonathan Potts), who hopes to make a quick buck by selling the corpse of the historical serial killer. The kids re-animate Rowan with the help of nanotechnology. Little do they know that a mere thaw job is enough to resuscitate Jason and reawaken his blood thirst. Soon, the comely students and their space-marine protectors are being dispatched one by one. Help arrives in the form of a holographic chamber and an android named Kay-Em 14 (Lisa Ryder). Soon, though, Jason himself gets an upgrade and all hell breaks loose.

THE RUNDOWN

00:01 Flick appears to kick off in Hell even though we’re really just seeing the world through Jason’s eyes. CG is a little rough but the effect is cool.

00:50 With FREDDY VS JASON in development hell, Producer Sean S. Cunningham was so frustrated that he decided to make another Friday movie. Todd Farmer who was an aspiring writer in Hollywood met with Cunningham about writing a script for the proposed 10th film, which eventually became this project.

01:00 I guess the hell credits are a nod to the fact that this installment comes after JASON GOES TO HELL.

02:02 Jason Farmer, of MY BLOODY VALENTINE and DRIVE ANGRY fame, wrote and appears in this flick as Dallas (cute nod to ALIEN).

03:00 How exactly did Jason end up in this prison facility? Had the reboot not rolled along and ruined the potential for more true sequels, I would’ve loved to seen the in-between movie set between this and FREDDY VS JASON.

04:36 Kane Hodder is back as Jason. Checking out all these flicks back-to-back, I’ve really learned to appreciate his performance. He’s definitely the best Jason of them all.

04:56 David Cronenberg clocks in a sweet cameo as Dr. Wimmer. Nice to see he hasn’t forgotten his genre roots.

06:00 Private Johnson (Jeff Geddis) is killed off-screen.

06:25 to 06:33 Guard #1 is shot, Guard #2 is strangled, Guard #3 gets a metal pole to the face, Guard #4 is hung and Dr. Wimmer is speared through the back.

06:50 Sgt. Marcus (Markus Parilo) dies of unspecified wounds.

08:00 “Final Girl” Rowan manages to lock Jason in a cryofreeze …but not before he manages to crack a hole in the chamber and freeze her too.

09:31 Watching the original FRIDAY for the first time nearly twenty five years ago, I’d have never guessed that this series would end up in space.

10:00 Jason Voorhees' eyes never blink when they are shown.

11:23 The film only suffered a couple seconds of cuts/alterations to earn an "R" rating, making it the least censored entry in the entire FRIDAY THE 13th series.

12:34 New team of dumb teenagers -- this group being from the future and rocking names like Tsunaron, Janessa, Azrael, Kinsa, Waylander and Stoney. I think Farmer had a little TOO much fun when writing this.

13:35 Even frozen solid, Jason manages to lop off a guy’s arm. Impressive.

15:46 Bit of space debris floats by advertising “Cunningham Reality”. A cute nod to Sean S. Cunningham who produced this, JASON GOES TO HELL and directed the original FRIDAY THE 13th.

16:31 CG ain’t bad but the low budget really shows when you see the interior sets. Looks a bit like a cheap Canadian-produced SyFy show.

18:49 Tiny bit of T&A from Rowan (Lexa Doig) while the future kids bring her back to life using all-purpose nanobots. Gotta love nanobots, they seem to be able to fix any and all script problems. Arm chopped off? Use nanobots. Unthawing a chick who’s been frozen for a few hundred years? Use nanobots. Jason explodes and needs a new body? Use nanobots!

25:12 Love how some trader nearly five hundred years in the future hears the name “Voorhees” and knows exactly who Lowe is referring to.

27:03 Fully clothed sex scene between Lowe and Janessa loaded dripping with fetishistic craziness (nipple clamps and daddy complex) and goofy moments (why exactly is he wearing lingerie?).

28:23 Fem-bot KM-14’s fake nipples keep falling off. Hmmm…

30:00 Another non-nude sex scene. What’s the point? Oh …I see, teens having sex resurrects Jason!

30:45 Jason kills Adrienne (Kristi Angus) by sticking her head into a vat of liquid nitrogen and smashing it against a counter top. Best kill in the entire picture.

32:23 It’s revealed that the police captured Jason and sentenced to him to death. He was shot, electrocuted, hung, gassed and none of it worked.

33:34 Betsy Palmer was doing a play in Toronto at the time JASON X was filming. According to Palmer, one of the producers contacted her about possibly reprising her role as Pamela Voorhees. They did not come to an agreement, and the character was not included in the film.

35:16 Stoney (Yani Gellman) is stabbed in the chest with what appears to be a futuristic machete.

35:52 Kudos for name-checking the 1971 sci-fi classic SOLARIS. That’s what I assume Farmer was going for by naming the space station that. Could be wrong.

37:32 Jason splits a virtual reality alien in half.

38:49 Jason snaps Azrael’s spine.

38:59 Jason smashes Dallas into a metal wall.

42:52 Generic space marines. Obvious fodder kills. Only smart one is Brodski (Peter Mensah) who will clearly either die a very abrupt death or survive till the very end. If I remember correctly, he makes it to the end. Dude reminds me a bit of Colin Salmon in the first RESIDENT EVIL.

44:18 Sven’s neck is snapped.

44:58 Condor (Steve Lucescu) is impaled on a giant corkscrew spike thing.

46:26 Is it really appropriate to make a crack about a teammate being “screwed” when you just found them impaled on a giant screw? Seems a little too soon and in poor taste.

47:20 Jason slits Geko’s throat with his robo-machete (that’s what I’m calling it from this point forward).

48:54 Kicker (Barna Moricz) is lopped in half and Briggs (Dylan Bierk) is impaled on a giant hook.

49:59 Brodski is stabbed in the back …twice! But don’t worry, dude is too badass to let a little thing like being stabbed in the back stop him.

51:15 That was the cheapest “coming out of hyperspace” effect I’ve ever seen.

51:40 Fat Lou (Boyd Banks) is murdered off-screen. Didn’t realize the ship was called Grendel till now. Cute.

51:42 The name of the primary ship in the film is the "Grendel" which is the name of a monster in the Old English poem "Beowulf". Grendel was a direct descendant of Cain from the Book of Genesis, a monster described as half-troll, half-ogre. Like Jason, Grendel rose from a lake in search of victims and seemingly could not be killed. Also, in their fight, Beowulf rips Grendel's arm off, and in the movie, when Kay-Em shoots up Jason, the first thing he loses is his arm.

52:54 Thanks to Jason killing the pilot Fat Lou, the Grendel crashes THROUGH Solaris and causes it to explode. Jason just killed a couple thousand people in the space of a few seconds. Wow.

56:42 Professor Lowe is decapitated.

57:00 Cute STAR TREK reference. I know I’d be asking where the teleporters are if I’d just woken up from a 450 year nap.

58:49 Tsunaron makes out with KM-14. Creepy. Thought he said earlier that he didn’t design her for that purpose.

61:20 Man, Jason really hated Fat Lou. Tore him to pieces and scattered the bits all over the cockpit. Seems like overkill to me.

62:13 Did Crutch just refer to the “Microsoft Conflict”? Dude reminds me a bit of Kup from the animated TRANSFORMERS movie.

63:22 Crutch is electrocuted to death.

64:44 Kinsa (Melody Johnson) crashes the escape pod into the Grendel while trying to escape.

65:38 Did Tsunaron just say he gave KM-14 an “upload”? Don’t you mean “upgrade”? Either way, KM-14 is now armed to the teeth and ready to kick some ass. Doubt Jason saw her coming. Or maybe he did. Not sure. He doesn’t really seem phased by her new ass-kicking attire.

68:25 KM-15 literally shoots Jason to pieces. As in, dude is toast. Head exploded, both arms shot off, leg detached, a few hundred rounds to the chest and a machete in the gut. There’s no way that he’ll be able to come back fro …ah, who am I kidding? We know he’s coming back. It’s just a matter of “how” at this point.

69:51 Shirtless Brodski. Dude is cut. I feel fat.

70:21 The rescue ship is the “Tiamat”?

71:11 The name "Tiamat" comes from Babylonian mythology. She is a dragon/goddess of the sea, who was slain by the god Marduk who then formed the land from her carcass.

72:14 Freaking nanobots bring Jason back to life and turn him into …UBER-JASON! Dude looks better than ever though I think it is safe to say the series has gone full sci-fi at this point.

75:04 Waylander (Derwin Jordan) is sucked into the vacuum of space in an effort to take down Uber-Jason.

75:50 Fake-out happy ending.

77:27 Janessa is sucked through a metal grate (!) and her remains are spewed into space.

78:00 This is the first film in the series to rely on digital effects for death and gore shots.

79:39 Brodski’s space suit looks a bit like a crimson variation of the ones used in 2001: A SPACE ODESSEY.

81:20 This is the best scene in the entire movie. Tsunaron uses the holodeck program to recreate 1980 Camp Crystal Lake complete with two nubile camp counselors who only want to strip naked, drink alcohol, smoke pot and have pre-marital sex. Money shot is a fantastic double callback to the “sleeping back” death from THE NEW BLOOD.

82:00 The "virtual '80s" scene was originally meant to be much more detailed, including a number of topless women playing volleyball. One idea even included the appearance of Pamela Voorhees, Jason's mother, and even went so far as to have Jason attack her, showing the extent of just how evil he had become. The latter idea was dropped.

83:00 The music played during the virtual reality Camp Crystal Lake sequence is the same musical score as the one used in FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2.

84:44 Don’t stand there and watch Jason coming at you, Rowan! RUN!

85:00 The Grendel explodes.

86:00 Brodski rides Uber Jason into the atmosphere of Earth 2. Both die …I think.

87:35 Technically, this is the final appearance of the original Jason Voorhees. So long, you murderous tank of a monster. You will be missed.

THE VERDICT

As far as b-movies loaded with camp and cheese go, JASON X is a good one. As far as Friday flicks that mesh well with the mythos and don’t “jump the shark” big time go, JASON X is a failure. Yes, I realize that I’m saying this after having given a big “thumbs up” to the body hopping madness featured in JASON GOES TO HELL but this is different. This one has Space Jason. As in, Jason goes to space and becomes a friggin’ cyborg. That’s about as far away from the core concept of this series (Jason slaughters anyone who gets near Camp Crystal Lake) as you can get.

I like JASON X, but don’t really consider it to be a proper send-off for the iconic Mr Voorhees. Three out of six hockey masks.

THE PLOT

Young friends Whitney (Amanda Righetti), Mike (Nick Mennell), Richie (Ben Feldman), Amanda (America Olivio), and Wade (Jonathan Sadowski) end up missing in the woods near the abandoned Camp Crystal Lake, after a trip to find a mythical crop of marijuana turns deadly when they discover the home of a psychotic mass murderer.

Meanwhile, Trent (Travis Van Winkle) invites friends Jenna (Danielle Panabaker), Bree (Julianna Guill), Chewie (Aaron Yoo), Chelsea (Willa Ford), Lawrence (Arlen Escarpta), and Nolan (Ryan Hansen) to his cabin on the lake for a weekend of sex, booze, and drugs. However their seemingly fun weekend soon escalates into a nightmare after lone traveler Clay (Jared Padalecki) shows up looking for his missing sister Whitney and the young adults soon find themselves face to face with evil reborn, reimagined, and rebooted, and his name is Jason Voorhees (Derek Mears).

THE RUNDOWN

00:00 The reboot. I’ve been dreading revisiting this one. Didn’t care much for it when I saw it at the theater and I’ve got a hunch that my feelings haven’t changed. Gotta watch it though, for completist sake.

00:26 First New Line and Paramount FRIDAY collaboration. Nice to see them finally play nice after all these years.

02:20 Swell flashback to 1980. Nana Visitor (Major Kira from STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE) clocks in a cameo as Mama Voorhees. Opening credits are basically a compressed version of the first film.

02:32 Mama Voorhees is decapitated and the audience gets to see young Jason witness it. Not sure if she didn’t realize he was still alive or if she did and just didn’t let that stop her from slaughtering the new camp counselors but this whole sequence is kinda confusing.

03:00 Character Tommy Jarvis (who appeared in original FRIDAY flicks 4, 5 and 6) was at one point confirmed by producers Bradley Fuller and Andrew Form of Platinum Dunes to be returning as Jason's nemesis.

04:32 Flick basically does a mini-remake of FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2 with a bunch of random teens who’ll be dead in about fifteen minutes. Say hello to Wade, Amanda, Mike, Richie and Whitney: They’ve come to harvest a mythical marijuana crop.

08:54 Wade tells the tale of Jason and it sounds exactly like the original one. Thought this was supposed to be the new and improved reboot, not a rehash of things we‘ve already seen.

10:22 First nudie bit of the new era! Amanda goes topless and reveals (a sign of the times) her big fake boobies.

11:00 I love the song “Sister Christian” by Night Ranger! Great choice of music to die by, Wade!

12:16 Sackboy Jason appears …and runs …and slices Wade open for messing with his marijuana crop. Yes, the reboot posits Jason as some vigilante pot farmer. Who’s f**ked up idea was that? And yes, since this is a mini-redo of PART 2, that means Jason is running around with a burlap sack over his head again.

12:58 According to co-writer Damian Shannon, the character of Jason Voorhees was re-envisioned as more territorial, like a hunter, someone who doesn't kill people at random but will defend his territory from anyone invading it, and this in the most horrible manner. Derek Mears says his portrayal of Jason as a survivalist defending his territory is partially inspired by the character of John Rambo in FIRST BLOOD.

13:30 Whitney and Mike go and investigate the abandoned ruins of Camp Crystal Lake. Yeah, that’s going to end well. Nice to see, reboot or no, teenagers are stupid in every era.

15:18 Director Marcus Nipsel seems to have brought his TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE reboot bag of tricks here. Lots of saturated colors, unlikable characters and a greater emphasis on pain and torture rather than quick shocking kills. Not sure if this is good thing. Actually, I know it isn’t.

15:30 First sex scene of the rebooted Friday mythos. Male and female nudity. Definitely more graphic than usual. If this is a sign of what is to come then this is going to be very a skintastic flick.

19:08 Richie steps in a bear trap and is hit in the face with a machete.

19:25 Amanda is cooked in her sleeping bag over an open fire. Reboot Jason is definitely more aggressive and vicious than previous ones. I’d say he’s probably on par, so far, with Roy from A NEW BEGINNING.

20:44 The decapitated head of Mama Voorhees makes it’s first appearance in the reboot.

22:04 Mike is stabbed repeatedly though the floor by Jason and is eventually drug underground.

23:36 Title card just hit. Wow. Almost twenty five minutes in. Love the fact that Reboot Jason runs. Hate the generic new Friday theme.

25:36 First appearance of hero Clay Miller (Jared Padlecki). Padlecki seems to have stepped right off the set of SUPERNATURAL. Not a problem per se, but definitively a reveal as to how far his acting range stretches. Character seems to be a variation of Rob The Hunter from THE FINAL CHAPTER -- a guy looking for his sister who went missing a couple weeks back.

25:45 SUPERNATURAL and FRIDAY THE 13th were reportedly going to crossover at one point prior to the reboot.

26:09 Travis Van Winkle (Trent) is playing the same character he portrayed in TRANSFORMERS. No joke. Michael Bay produced this and thought it wound be funny to have him reprise the character so that Jason could rip him apart.

27:32 Yet another Sheriff (Richard Burgi) in a Friday flick that is a complete douchebag who doesn’t want to help the lead and actually goes out of their way to prevent them from investigating.

31:37 Jumping dog fake-out scare!!

32:37 Appears this reboot has a Crazy Ralph character in the form a creepy Old Woman (Rosemary Knower).

35:32 Country bumpkin Donnie reveals that somebody has been sneaking around the farm he works at stealing kerosene and causing general mischief …Jason the prankster. Donnie then reveals that he found a stash of weed and is trying to sell it. This isn’t going to end well.

37:32 Every time I see Danielle Panabaker all I can think of is her performance in SKY HIGH.

39:32 Clay might be looking for his sister, but he finds time to move in on another man’s girlfriend. Smooth.

40:28 Somebody was on a real marijuana kick when writing the script for this. Aside from Jason’s marijuana crop and virtually every character smoking up at some point, Donnie is now lighting up and fixing to make out with an issue of HUSTLER. Great. Like I need to see that.

41:27 I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate how the reveal of the hockey mask is handled here. It kinda made since when it first popped up in FRIDAY THE 13th PART 3. Jason needed to hide his identity. Here, Jason just kinda picks it up and decides to wear it. No reason, no motivation, just a need to fulfill the contractual obligation necessary for this to be a proper horror reboot.

42:44 Donnie’s throat is slit after he rips Jason’s burlap sack mask off.

45:07 Topless wakeboarding courtesy of Chelsea. Movie might be hardcore bungling the Friday mythos, but at least it is delivering copious amounts of blood and boobs.

46:40 Nolan (Ryan Hansen) gets an arrow to the head. Fans of VERONICA MARS will probably not be happy by this turn of events.

49:29 Chelsea is stabbed in the head …and manages to deliver one last tit shot before sinking to the bottom of the lake.

49:40 Chelsea originally didn’t die by a machete to the head but instead drown in the lake because she refused to swim to shore where she knew Jason was lurking. The kill was deemed not effective enough (not to mention a little sad) and was replaced with the machete to the skull.

50:00 Clay discovers a bunch of trophies Jason earned in his room at Camp Crystal Lake. Guess that archery one is meant to explain how he was able to nail Nolan (who was in a moving boat at the time) with a bow and arrow.

52:38 How exactly does Camp Crystal Lake still have power? Who’s paying that bill? Is Jason working down at the Home Depot? Maybe that’s how he’s able to afford all the stuff he has stocked up at the camp.

53:36 Here’s the big reveal that Jason is living in a series of caves underneath the camp and that he has rigged a series of bells and whistles throughout the woods to alert him whenever someone is near. This, along with the trap-making ability, is more in tune with TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE than FRIDAY THE 13th.

54:00 The next big reveal is that Jason didn’t murder Whitney at the beginning of the film. Turns out she was wearing his mama’s necklace. Shades of the sweater trick from FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2 and plot confusion reminiscent of JASON TAKES MANHATTAN. Is Jason feeding her? How’s she still alive? Is he planning (or already has) done something with her? I don’t get it.

56:27 Jason remembers Mama’s death and reveals he’s still pretty sore about the whole incident. Guess I would be too.

60:00 Guess Jason is stockpiling those bodies for something. Not real sure what Reboot Jason’s motivation is.

61:13 Gratuitous booty dancing from Bree. Thank you.

62:52 Chewie drops a random MacGyver reference. Padlecki played MacGyver in a reboot of the original series that never it made it past the pilot stage back in 2001.

64:52 Bree gets naked and reveals, yes, she has fakies. Sex scene between her and Travis continues the reboot tradition of being raunchy and absolutely amazing.

65:00 Producer Michael Bay walked out in the movie premiere, stating that the movie featured too much sex.

70:00 Chewie is stabbed in the throat with a screwdriver. Flick is lingering a little too long on the kills. Guess that’s a aftershock of this being released in the era of HOSTEL and SAW: Everything has to be lengthy, gruesome and excruciating.

71:30 Bree and Trent are still f**king like mad bunnies. This is definitely the longest (guess that pun is intended) sex scene in the entire franchise. Not sure if it was made longer by the KILLER CUT featured on the DVD or what, but it lasted nearly ten minutes. Crazy.

72:49 Lawrence decides to go and rescue Chewie. Noble gesture. Too bad he won’t make it another three minutes. Heroism in Friday flicks is usually rewarded with a quick and swift death.

74:16 Incidentally, what is up with Aaron Yoo’s character being named Chewie? Is it some off-reference to STAR WARS or just a coincidence?

76:00 Told you so. Lawrence gets a flying hatchet to the back …then dies slowly. Getting pretty irritated with how long the kills are in this flick. Quick kills are good for a jolt and get the blood flowing, long ones feel like I’m watching a snuff film.

79:15 Bree is impaled on a pair of deer antlers. Shades of Linnea Quigley’s demise in SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT.

80:40 Sheriff arrives just in time to get a fire poker to the skull.

81:11 Trent just unloaded a couple of rounds from his dad’s gun into the dead body of Bree. Good job, douchebag. I’ll cheer when Jason gets his hands on you.

84:21 Travis is stabbed through the chest with a machete and crucified on the back of a tow truck.

84:25 Just cheered because that douche is dead. Let’s race to the end! I need sleep!!

85:33 Why did Clay and Jenna head back to Camp Crystal Lake? Run to town! Run to the cops! Run to a nearby house! Run anywhere but the f**king camp where you first spotted the killer! Clay doesn’t even know Whitney, his sister, is being kept captive so there is no reason these two should have returned. Massive idiot moment that only exists to further the plot.

88:16 Mine stuff feels like it was lifted from MY BLOODY VALENTINE …which is funny because the MBV featured Padalecki’s SUPERNATURAL co-star Jensen Ackles.

89:00 Despite the title, the date the events supposedly take place on, Friday the 13th, is only mentioned once. The date can be seen on a tear-away type calendar in the police station, as the officers leave to investigate towards the end of the movie.

90:26 Jenna is impaled through the back with a machete.

92:21 Not crazy about Derek Mears as Jason. Something about his movement seems off. Dug that he ran after a few people and threw the hatchet at Lawrence, but his general movement seems more suited to Ghostface in the SCREAM movies. Reboot Jason is a little too quick at times.

95:26 Whitney does a variation of Ginny’s trick (uses a Mama Voorhees’s locket instead of sweater) from FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2 to distract Jason long enough for Clay to shove him into a wood chipper. Whitney finishes him off with a machete blow to the chest.

98:54 Why did Clay and Whitney push Jason’s body into the lake? Doesn’t make sense. Surely the cops are going to want to know who murdered all of their friends and Jason’s body would provide them with a killer. By disposing of it, these two just made themselves prime suspects.

99:57 Jason springs back to life for one final scare. Clay and Whitney are killed off-screen.

99:58 A sequel was announced by Platinum Dunes after the theatrical release of the movie, but after a year of no news where production stood on the sequel, producer Bradley Fuller confirmed via his Twitter account the sequel had gone out of production.

THE VERDICT

One of the worst horror remakes ever, Marcus Nipsel’s FRIDAY THE 13th is an absolute mess. Nipsel clearly didn’t understand what made Jason who he is and opted to instead spray the leftover funk from his TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake all over this and call it a day. Jason as a pot-farming, trap-setting, survivalist who lives in caves underneath Camp Crystal Lake, enjoys torturing his victims and occasionally takes to kidnapping young women? No thanks.

Two out of six hockey masks ...and I only give it that rating thanks to the insane amount of nudity on display and the fact that a couple of the kills are quite clever. Everything else is garbage.