Adamantium Bullet
17Aug/18

T.G.I.F. #57: BARBARIAN QUEEN (1985)

TOTALLY GRATUITOUS AND INAPPROPRIATE FRIDAY is a spoiler-laden NSFW podcast where J Bryant and AngieBee discuss movies/shows you probably shouldn’t watch with your spouse, significant other, teenage children, parents, small children, buddies, children in general, siblings, folks you barely know, or ones with heart conditions. You’ve been warned.

In this week's episode of Totally Gratuitous and Inappropriate Friday, J Bryant and AngieBee discuss the sexy, sleazy, slash-y, slice-y sword-and-sorcery pic BARBARIAN QUEEN starring Lana Clarkson, Katt Shea, and Dawn Dunlap.

On the eve of her wedding, Amathea (Lana Clarkson) sees her world dissolve when her groom is imprisoned, her village is razed, and her friends attacked and slaughtered. Becoming the Barbarian Queen, she vows revenge and retribution, enticing and then destroying adversaries.

Take a shot when…

…a poorly choreographed sword fight or brawl breaks out.

…Estrild (Katt Shea) thinks with her stomach and not her head.

…a throat is slashed.

Take a double shot when…

…Taramis (Dawn Dunlap) spaces out.

…Amethea (Lana Clarkson) drops the all-timer badass line “I'll be no man's slave and no man's whore, and if I can't kill them all, by the gods they'll know I've tried.”

…the “Night Children” gag pops up.

Take a triple shot when…

…it’s orgy time!

…Amethea is tortured with a metal glove on a string. We don’t get it either. It’s best to just take the triple and move on.

…Taramis is violently assaulted by a gang of marauders less than a minute into BARBARIAN QUEEN. This kind of thing is common for the genre, but the least the filmmakers could’ve done was run some opening credits, introductions, or even dialogue before getting to the nastiness. One minute in is just too f*cking soon.

BARBARIAN QUEEN II: THE EMPRESS STRIKES BACK is an in-name only sequel that’s only connection to BARBARIAN QUEEN is that both films star Lana Clarkson. (IMDB)

Posted by J. Bryant

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