Theatrical Review: STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE 3D
Dear reader, I am a schmuck. A schmuck who can be bought with the promise of swag and special 3D glasses. A schmuck bought two tickets (one for me and one for AngieBee) for a blatant cash grab 3D re-release in hopes of scoring double swag despite having complained incessantly about the cash grab 3D re-release for months now because it was being released less than six months after the last cash grab re-release. Did I mention this was post-converted 3D? That’s right, post-converted 3D. The most blatant cash grab tactic of them all. And that I bought two tickets for it. Yes, I am a schmuck.
AngieBee and I went to see the 3D re-release of STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE on Friday night. This decision came after months of saying that I wouldn’t. Free swag (got two pairs of Darth Maul 3D glasses and two Star Wars Fighter Pods) convinced me to buy a ticket. What can I say? I’m a sucker for swag. Always have been.
But if I’m being totally honest, there was a secondary reason. A reason that isn’t based on my schmuck-titude. You see, I didn’t see THE PHANTOM MENACE when it hit theaters back in 1999. I was with my ex-wife back then and, well, we never went to the theater. I honestly believe she had a personal grudge against movies or something. Not really sure but I didn’t stick around long enough to discover the awful secret behind her hatred. She actually made me sell my entire VHS (remember those?) collection shortly after marrying her. Oh and she didn’t let me watch anything above a PG. Seriously. I’m not f**king joking. This really isn’t helping my non-schmuck argument, is it?
Back on point: THE PHANTOM MENACE. I didn’t see it in theaters. Wanted to but the ex said “No” and I said “Okay”. That led to it being the only STAR WARS movie I’d never seen in a movie theater. My father brought me to see RETURN OF THE JEDI during it’s original run back in 1983. I remember seeing A NEW HOPE for the first time at my grade school when they would show movies for the students on a pull-down screen in the gym on Friday nights. I caught all of the original saga re-releases in theaters back in 1997. Seeing the STAR WARS films in the theater has been, and probably always will be, a major reoccurrence in my filmic life.
But I missed MENACE in theaters. I’ve always wondered if that lack of having seen it in theaters attributed to my intense dislike of the film. I, as most do, consider it the worst of all the STAR WARS films. That’s an opinion that was crafted during my first viewing of THE PHANTOM MENACE off a full-frame VHS.
Click on the pic to read my full review…
Posterized: First Poster For THE PHANTOM MENACE 3D Plays Up Darth Maul; Ditches Anakin And Padme
Hey look, it’s the first one-sheet for the theatrical re-release of STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE!
I post this only because I find it deeply humorous that Jar Jar Binks, Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd) and Queen Amidala (Natalie Portman) are nowhere to be seen. Guess Lucas wanted to play up the aspects of the film that worked (Darth Maul, Pod Racing, Ewan McGregor’s Obi-Wan) and downplay the stuff that didn’t. Thing is, Liam Neeson as Qui-Gon Jinn was the best thing about MENACE and you‘ll note he‘s not here either. You’d think will all that post-TAKEN street cred Neeson is currently rocking that George Lucas and the marketing boys would’ve exploited it.
Click on the pic to check it out…
George Lucas Has Altered The Original STAR WARS Trilogy. Again.
Prepare yourself for the least shocking news of the year: George Lucas has tinkered with the STAR WARS! Again!
I’m not just talking about the replacement of the puppet Yoda in THE PHANTOM MENACE with a CG one (a decision that I’m all for). Oh no, this is much deeper. This is more personal. And, for the time being, this might be a giant ass hoax perpetuated by a bunch of disgruntled fanboys who want to somehow decrease the sales of the upcoming Blu-Ray release of the saga by whipping up some fake videos and convincing the world that they are real. Considering no confirmation or denial has been released by Lucasfilm yet, take everything you are about to read with a heavy grain of salt.
Click on the pic to find out what may or may not have been altered in the upcoming STAR WARS Blu-Ray release…
Lucasfilm Prepping Second Animated STAR WARS Series; Lego TV Special Set For Fall
Not really sure how to start this article, so I’m just going to drop the following intel like a motherf**king bomb and hope it hits the target: Lucasfilm is currently working on two (!) new STAR WARS animated projects. One is TV special based on the popular Lego STAR WARS videogame franchise and is set to premiere later this year. The other is…well, I’ll let the following update from Lucasfilm speak for itself:
“Today, George Lucas is hard at work on a second animated series that will complement ‘The Clone Wars’, taking ‘Star Wars’ in a completely new and fun direction.”
Okay, I get that Lucas feels the unholy need to milk STAR WARS till there is nothing left. I get that. Dude built an empire and it is totally his call if he drives it into the ground. You didn’t build it, I didn’t build it, he did. We simply bought tickets, a couple hundred toys, a few dozen DVD/VHS/Blu-Ray releases, a life-size replica of Leia in the iron bikini and reinforced the bricks that built his empire. But, at the end of the day, STAR WARS was designed by Lucas and if wants to spin it off into a hundred different ways, that’s his prerogative.
Click on Yoda to read the full story…
Film Bites: Three More Episodes Of College Humor’s TROOPERS Are Now Online
College Humor’s TROOPERS is quickly becoming my favorite web series, right next to Epic Meal Time. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that these guys somehow roped cutie Aubrey Plaza into their warped pseudo-STAR WARS universe or the lengths they have to go in order to keep the Lucasfilm legal team off their back (you’ll note that everything in these videos is skewed just enough to avoid legal action), but I really dig this series.
Click on the pic to check it out…
Film Bites: College Humor’s TROOPERS
To wash away the bad taste left that by that THE PHANTOM MENACE in 3D announcement, here’s the first episode of College Humor’s newest web-series: TROOPERS. This ep is titled “Forcefield” and stars Aubrey Plaza from SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD. Her involvement automatically makes this a win, but the short is actually pretty clever in a nice low-brow way.
Click on the pic to check it out…
The Complete STAR WARS Saga To Hit Blu-Ray This September
Mark your calendars, people. STAR WARS is finally coming to Blu-Ray this September! 20th Century Fox home video made the big announcement today at CES and even revealed a spiffy new trailer and the fact that you can pre-order the entire saga over on Amazon. As in, right now. Seriously, you can pre-order the entire 9-disc STAR WARS Blu-Ray collection over on Amazon right now. If you are a true fanboy, you need to click HERE and pre-order right now.
Click the pic to read more…
DAVID PROWSE (aka DARTH VADER) SPOILED THE END OF EMPIRE TWO YEARS BEFORE IT HIT
David Prowse gets no respect. Ask any average joe who they think played Darth Vader and they’ll either drop James Earl Jones or Hayden Christensen. Hell, some might even know that Sebastian Shaw played the man under the man at the very end of RETURN OF THE JEDI. But, as a universal rule of thumb, the average STAR WARS fan does not know that David Prowse was the man under the suit for the entire original trilogy (that is, except for the big reveal at the end of JEDI).
Hardcore fans know this, but the average ones don’t. One thing that I bet neither group knows is that Prowse actually spoiled the ending of THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK to a crowd of fans back in 1978, a full TWO YEARS before EMPIRE actually hit theaters! True story: Prowse, while on a promotional tour for A NEW HOPE, dropped the big secret to an entire crowd of fanboys who’d converged on Berkeley, CA.
Click on the pic to read more…
LUCAS TO CONTINUE MILKING MONEY OUT OF LOYAL FANBOYS BY RE-RELEASING STAR WARS IN 3D
Yes, you read the title right, George Lucas is re-releasing the STAR WARS films…again…to theaters…this time in 3D. Seriously, when is enough actually enough? Does this man know no bounds? Does his greed have no end?!?
In all fairness, we’ve known this was coming for a long time now. I can recall reading about a 3D conversion of STAR WARS nearly five years ago around the time REVENGE OF THE SITH hit theaters. According to the Variety piece that broke this story, Lucas was just waiting for the right time and the right technology to do this. In other words, there wasn’t enough 3D screens in theaters to make any money on something like this five years ago and he needed to wait around till the tech to convert non-3D movies into 3D movies became available.
A tech that, mind you, still doesn’t work and produces some really shitty results. Anybody see the post-3D job on CLASH OF THE TITANS? How about THE LAST AIRBENDER? Crap, crap and more crap. And just think, this layer of crap is gonna be spread all over our precious STAR WARS films.
Click on the pic to read more…
THE 10 DOUCHIEST MOVIE DOUCHEBAGS
Picking just ten douchebags from all of the movies ever made is pretty much impossible. There’s just no way to really do it. Everybody has their own definition of a movie douchebag and everybody has their personal favorites. Matter of fact, when brainstorming for this list, AngieBee immediately brought up Wesley’s buddy from WANTED. Now, to me, that character was just a jerk, plain and simple. Harmless little bastard who happened to be nailing Wesley’s girl on the side. In other words, there’s a thousand dudes like him in the movies and there will be a thousand more down the line.
To AngieBee though, this guy was a pure douchebag. I actually got the feeling from her that maybe she secretly hoped that Wesley wasn’t returning home to get his father’s pistol, but rather to execute the best friend and the cheating girlfriend in cold blood. That’s how much my gal despised this dude.
But, this is my list and these do not in any way represent the all-time greatest douchebags of film. Maybe I’ll get to that list one day, but for now, this list is what I’ve got. Basically, these are the characters that annoyed me the most, the characters that for whatever reason do something so douchebaggy that they’ve irritated me for a lifetime, these are the jerks that you want to see get killed in the most graphic way possible (even if they are in a romantic comedy or sci-fi fantasy) or, at the very least, punished for being such a douche.
Click on the pic to check out the list…
Theatrical Reviews
- STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS
- IRON MAN 3
- SINISTER
- PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4
- TAKEN 2
- PITCH PERFECT
- HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET
- DREDD 3D
- LOOPER
- RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION 3D
- THE EXPENDABLES 2
- TOTAL RECALL
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